Unschooling Ourselves

Declaration of Independence

2012-01-01T12:20:00.002-05:00

Wow, there is no end to the peeling off of layers of schoolishness, the continual discovery of completely wacky assumptions and patterns present within me. I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time I've declared my independence, but here's the latest layer.

One thing I picked up along the way is a continual fearful checking to see if I'm okay, if I'm doing it right, if I'm harming anyone else. The idea that just by being myself I could be a fairly harmful and terrible character is pretty firmly ingrained. So I've used unschooling discussion lists as a medium for my fearful checking. Am I doing it right? What should I change? Who am I hurting and how? Now let's get to work and FIX me!

That's not the only way I used the discussion lists, of course. I'm very glad there are those gatherings of people out there, and right now I need to stay away while I process some more.

My fervent belief in my own badness is pretty funny in light of the fact that I've never felt drawn toward organized religion. I didn't need it! It's tenets are so embedded in our ways of interacting that further exposure was unnecessary.

One particular idea inspired my latest retreat from discussion list chatter. Am I demeaning it by calling it chatter? It took on that quality for me, so I can claim that without claiming that it is in fact chatter. What I labeled as chatter on the outside was merely a reflection of my internal chatter.

Anyway, here's the idea:
Unschooling isn't just about fun. It's about creating an optimum learning environment. A bunch of parents think it's just about having fun, and they're screwing it up (my paraphrase, of course).

I hear the words "create an optimum learning environment" (or whatever words were actually used), and I kind of have a cat-hacking-up-a-hairball reaction. I think it's because putting that first, for me, is a mistake. I need to put acceptance of self (and therefore others) and general happiness first and trust that the rest will follow.

While the philosophy of unschooling is lovely, I still think there's plenty of distrust of self (and therefore others) and belief in struggle swirling around discussions about it. I'm not going to argue that unschooling should be fun-first, but I don't think it's doing-first, either. As in you do it right, and then everything good follows. For me, the only way to "do it right" is to make sure it's stable from the ground up--to trust myself and my kids first over and above any idea.

The emerging foundation of my unschooling is that we're all okay (parents and kids alike), we're all unfolding with perfect timing, and we can trust the impulses and inspiration that bubble up within us. We can release the notion of trying to be good enough and enjoy what we have right here. That will create the optimum learning environment.

A Response to Good Morning America's Coverage of Unschooling

2011-11-22T13:52:00.001-05:00

This article also has an account of how the author's unschooled son made school and community college a part of his life.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lee-stranahan/unschooling-how-igood-mor_b_543880.html

All Be-Gedder

2011-11-19T05:59:00.001-05:00

When Sue wants to do something together, she says, "Let's do it all be-gedder!" I've always liked that "be" part.

Sue says this is a monster princess.

This morning we were cutting out flower pictures. At first, it was, "Let's do it all be-gedder!" Then, "I can do it all myself." Then, "I can do it all my-gedder, " which meant I lined up the cutting, and she squeezed the scissors together.

A Deschooling Story

2011-11-18T19:18:00.001-05:00

Thanks to Pamela of Always Learning for letting me share her deschooling story:

My son went from a vibrant, happy, magical kid to a joyless boy with little curiosity and a ton of anxiety. School wanted him on Ritalin, they wanted him tutored, they wanted him in therapy, and like an idiot I went along with it. Fortunately for both of us, I eventually woke up and saw my actual child. He was miserable. His life was awful - one dreary obligation after the other, forced to do things he hated by those more powerful, stretching out endlessly before him into the foreseeable future. It knocked the wind out of me - I'd been making the demands of the system more important than the needs of my child! This realization forced me to rethink everything about learning and living -- made me really look at the things I had just gone mindlessly along with throughout my life and his. It's a profound source of regret that it took me so long to recognize it. How could I be so blind? How could keeping to the conventional path be more important than his well-being? It really stuns me.

We also had a lot of conflict between us -- it seemed I was constantly engaged in power struggles over homework, bathing, food, bedtimes, practicing violin. In TV families, fighting and wrestling with your child like this meant you were a good, caring parent. The real-life truth was, he didn't trust me. Why should he? He was in my hands and his life was hell. I had the power to help him, and I wasn't using it.

He was 11 when I took him out of school and we started deschooling, big time. It's been about 18 months and we are just recently coming out of it into unschooling. He's needed the last year or so to heal and rediscover himself and his own interests. I've needed this time to reorient myself to a new way of thinking, not just about learning, but about love and relationships and how to be trustworthy. For about 8 or 9 months, Oscar just basked in the comfort of movies, TV, and video games and experimented with his sleeping schedule. He didn't want to "learn" anything (although he did learn a lot anyway from Dr. Who and Star Trek, the Suite Life of Zach and Cody and The Amazing Race and the hundreds of conversations we had as I kept him company). How could he think about learning when he'd been in in such distress for so long? How could he think about learning when he'd been cut off from his own curiosity by the adults around him who frogmarched him from one boring study unit to the next since he was 5? He'd been too busy trying to survive emotionally to focus on anything else. That has now changed and he has many interests - baking, voice-acting, chemistry, comedy writing, the Renaissance (thanks, Merlin and the BBC!), and on and on. He had to find a peaceful home in himself before he could start to decorate it with knowledge.

[This next part addressed to a mom considering unschooling and working full-time.]
I am a single working mother unschooling. You can do it. Create a space at your business where she can nestle up and heal. Fill it with books and games, dvds, craft kits - whatever she enjoys when given a choice. Fill it with snacks. Order delivery to share a few times a week. My life with my child is absolutely wonderful now. I earned back his trust and he is just flourishing. His curiosity has returned with a vengeance. But it took patience from me, plus faith in my child's inherent worth and goodness. More faith than I had in society's methods and mandates.

Oscar spelled this out with Boggle letters while his mom was asleep.

And if you're worried about learning, Oscar just had to take a test as part of our state home shooling laws. He's right on target--around the middle for math and language and the top 20% for reading. That means that, without one single worksheet or pop quiz or mind-numbing lecture, he's doing as well as all those kids logging their 35 hours plus a week of institutional drills (and waking up at 7am, and needing permission to eat or pee, and some suffering bullying...)

Bring her home, surround her with peace and joy. Don't fight with her. Just love her. There is much more at stake here than her "education."

Instead of Teaching

2011-11-16T11:40:00.001-05:00

I like Deb R's take on how unschooling kids and parents interact (originally posted at Unschooling Basics):

Rather than teacher or guide, maybe consider it like a love story. When you're dating someone, you don't try to guide or teach them. You drink deeply of whatever moves, inspires, empassions them. If that person loves Beethoven, you don't compare/contrast with Bach and Brahms or explain the mathematical underpinnings or the musical scale or the historical context. You listen and enjoy with them (even if you don't particularly like Beethoven, you can enjoy their enjoyment), you might keep an eye out for local concerts, new CDs (maybe the Boston Pops just released a Beethoven performance), and so on. If you note that some other composer or piece of music sounds (to you) like something that Beloved might enjoy, you introduce it *no strings attached*.

Being with Frustration

2011-11-16T11:24:00.001-05:00

I liked what Caren had to say at Always Learning about learning how to be with her son's frustration:

I came to understand that expressing frustration (sometimes loudly!) was part of how Seth dealt with learning hard things. Early on, I thought that something was *wrong*, because he seemed so distressed! He *was* so distressed! But, once I stopped trying to get him to respond the way I thought he *should*, and I made peace with HOW he was responding, I was much calmer.

I am a quiet, peaceful person, and I heard his "I HATE this game!! I NEVER want to play it again!" as something that needed to be fixed. It didn't! He would yell, get it out of his system, and buckle down to play again. I tried offering to look up player's guides, videos, etc. but he would get really annoyed by my
offering! So I learned to sit with him, and let him be how he needed to be to process things, and STOP offering solutions - until he was calm, at least. I might murmur things like, "That sounds really hard!", and he was amenable to that.

It was good practice for me to not be knocked off my center - I would sit and breathe, and find calm within myself, so I could be calm for him. At 12 (13 soon) he rarely yells like that any more - I can't remember the last time. He uses the tools I helped him find - breathing deeply, closing his eyes for a moment. He grew into using those things.

I wouldn't say he "didn't like" the early process. It was hard, but the value of learning was enough for him to stick with it, despite his frustration.

And hey - in response to the Tiger Mom post - I never had to FORCE him to stick with it! It was of his choosing, even though it was difficult. This is exactly the point people are making - unschoolers DO choose to do hard things, without being forced or reminded or coerced. Let your soon keep choosing to do hard
things!

I got to a point with Seth that I heard his frustration as evidence of a strong, determined person, and I made peace with it. My peace aided his peace. Fighting against it, even in my mind, seemed to make his frustration worse.

I've had much the same experience and shared this:

Yes, Mitri is like this. I figured out that something that made the situation hard for all of us was my being disturbed by his reaction. I tried to help from a place of wanting to help him, but also from a place of "I've got to stop or alter his reaction or I won't have peace."

What I'm working on now is paying close attention when the frustration happens, staying close, being available, but not trying to fix it unless the fix feels non-intrusive and flows smoothly. Dmitri has a sort of force field around him when the frustrations erupt. If I barge into that in fix-it/end-it mode, it escalates.

The calmer I am, the more okay I am with his expressing extreme frustration, the more space he has to get over it. I aim for creating a low-pressure zone around him to ease him through it. For us, this means physical closeness that still gives him space, little to no speaking at first, with bigger windows for
talking/touching as the feelings subside.

Sweet Sleeper

2011-11-12T01:54:00.001-05:00

Mitri just fell asleep like he used to in the old days. When he was younger, it was play play play play play sleep. Most of the time, he didn't welcome any kind of wind-down. Lately, though, we've been doing the pajama-brush teeth-book or movie thing. It's nice to have a ritual.

He wasn't into it tonight and fell asleep right in the middle of Angry Bird Land. :)

Perceptions of Failure

2011-11-11T06:21:00.001-05:00

From a discussion at Shine with Unschooling about the idea of failure:

I'm pretty sure we've all "failed" (as in not meeting our highest expectations) during challenges. For me, that's part of my process. I can and do get down on myself when I've been less of something that I want to be, but a great release comes when I recognize that my even having that framework--a place I've been and a new place I want to go--means I'm already on the journey. I'm on my way! It's begun! So failure and the feelings that accompany that can actually be a very encouraging sign.

My getting down on myself still happens. Haven't we been trained so well at it? But the difference now is that I can see it as the equivalent of "Are we there yet?" on a journey. Our culture trains us to see the getting down on ourselves, the focusing in on a problem with negative judgment, as an essential part of the solution. I now realize that the resolution of problems, the getting to the destination, occurs in spite of these bouts of judgment. Looking at the judgment as "Are we there yet?", I can see it as more of a blip. It's definitely not the thing that propels me to where I'm going!

This group is kind of like GPS. You've got GPS, and you'll get to your destination. It also helps me realize that I have an endless series of destinations, and without them, I'd get bored. That makes me more appreciative
of the whole I'm-between-here-and-there thing.

and

In my case, when I'm stomping down hard on that "failed" idea, there's a greyish cloud around me that dulls my expression and inspiration. It takes time for that to fade away and for me to re-establish a better connection with those around me.

A funny loop occurs when I notice this and then disparage myself for having the fuzzy cloud that is impeding my interaction with others. The only thing left to do then is relax, release, find soothing whenever I can, and allow Normal to return.

Now that I have more clarity about what brings on easy functioning, it's easier to release outworn patterns. I love noticing where I want to go. Look at the beautiful dream of how I want things to be next! That still hops over into knee-jerk self-criticism because some part of me thinks things need to be declared *bad* and *broken* if they're to be fixed. I'm happy that there's a part of me that sees through this know (meant now, but I love what the typo suggests!).

It feels like Change is chomping at the bit to flow into our lives. We're just (quite innocently, in accordance with patterns modeled to us) getting stuck sometimes in trying to change things through accusation, disappointment, and disapproval. I'm very happy to see this now. If I understand how the stream flows, I won't waste a lot of time and energy building dams!

If I *do* catch myself building a dam, I won't waste a lot of time and energy judging *that*, either. I'll just wake up and find something else to do. I don't even have to dismantle the dam. The stream surges when I wake up, and the dam is washed away.

The Fast and Furious Pace of Learning

2011-04-09T03:34:00.002-04:00

Super chef Dmitri

New York is a highly regulated state for homeschoolers. Next year will be my first year of reporting to the school district about Dmitri, who will be six in a couple of weeks. Right now I'm preparing to write up our IHIP (Individualized Home Instruction Plan, I think). To that end, I have a little notebook where I record stuff that can be translated into educationese.

I just spent the last twenty minutes writing down anything that came to mind as it happened. Those twenty minutes were so full! I scribbled as fast as I could to keep up. My scribblings:

Is the world covered in water?
What makes stuff pop?
Can we see the air?
Can we see smoke?
How you can see air moving in drawings
How to include real water in a train layout
How Thomas the Tank Engine's face moves, computer animation
Voiceovers
"They're taking a video of toys and they're showing scenes from the movie"--how a video was put together
Sometimes blood comes out our noses
Setting up a model train scene to show a broken building--before and after
How to show broken trains
"Smithereens"
Stop action -- photos I took of him arranging his Thomas character cards on the floor
organization -- storage of craft materials
The Big Bang theory
When was there no earth?
million, billion, "jillion"

Interview with Grown Unschooler Candra Kennedy

2011-04-07T10:35:00.001-04:00

I love hearing from grown unschoolers about their experiences growing up and what life is like for them now. Listen here.

Deschooling and TV

2011-04-06T19:38:00.003-04:00

Parker, Draven & Tina

At Unschooling Basics, Tina Tarbutton shared how TV can fit into life during deschooling:

Draven has some form of electronics playing nearly 24/7. He's either playing on Xbox live, or watching YouTube videos about any number of things or watching TV while playing with something else. Sometimes more than one of those things are happening at the same time (he's often watching YouTube while watching TV). He also falls asleep while watching TV and only sometimes remembers to set the sleep timer. Since he goes to bed long after me, I typically turn it off when I wake up if he seems to be sleeping soundly (otherwise the silence wakes him up).

This developed over time though, we're about two years into unschooling at this point, maybe less. At first when we lifted TV restriction there was lots of what I thought was boredom TV watching, but really it was him trying to get in as much as he could before I replaced the restrictions. There were many hours of very passive "couch potato" type behavior. Now that he's pretty comfortable with the idea that I won't restrict it anymore, he's more comfortable using it as background noise, or as something to get ideas from to further his imaginative play. When TV is playing he's normally standing up in front of his bed setting up some huge battle scene with halo figures.

If I would have constantly tried to redirect his attention away from that passive watching, I think he would have gotten the impression that I was still judging his TV time and TV use, and he wouldn't have had the opportunity to develop his own relationship with that particular medium.

If your kids were instead sitting on the couch passively reading when they were bored, would you have the same reaction? Treat TV the same way you treat anything else, it's just one of many options that they have in the day, provide an exciting environment for them to choose from and then don't judge their choices.

Yesterday I found some cork board and magnetic dry erase board squares on clearance at Walmart. I also found some neat looking notebooks and pencils, also on clearance. We put up the boards in his room and played with the magnets and push pins for awhile. When I went to bed he was playing with action figures and watching TV. This morning when I checked on him he had many drawings and things he'd written up on the cork boards and some designs on the dry erase boards. I'm pretty sure these things happened with the TV on in the background (it was still on this morning). I provided something I thought he'd be interested in, and helped him hang it up, but then I left it, he chose how to use it and when. I feel the same way about TV, I provide the TV and the cable, he chooses how to use it and when. If I try to direct his use of the things I provide he won't have the chance to develop his own relationship with those things. TV included.

Unschooling Is Not the Boss of Me

2011-04-06T13:35:00.002-04:00

I was discussing how we use the label "unschooling" with some friends and this came up:

One of the reasons I set up my discussion group the way I did was to specify that it's a place to talk with anyone interested in the term unschooling. I don't want to have to play that "are you in or are you out" game, although I'm sure it will come up from time to time.

Part of my break last year was stepping away from unschooler-as-identity and just being who I am. What manifested after that was a spontaneous wave of intense interest in the online unschooling community again, but I only label myself as an unschooler when it seems like the easiest thing to do.

I will no longer use it as a term to bash myself with! Of course I will :-), but there's a new understanding about it being okay not to enslave myself to a word. My kids don't do that. Why should I? For now, unschooling is something neat that I like. It's not the boss of me!

This change in my approach to the term "unschooling" coincides with deeper and primary trust in myself, my instincts, and my ability to observe my kids and connect with them. Outside-in approaches were fine in their day, and this appears to be the era of inside-out for now.

TV Inspires

2011-04-04T16:37:00.000-04:00

At Radical Unschooling, Cindy said:

As far as the TV watching vs. book reading discussion goes -- my kids watch a lot of TV and read a lot of books. I can't say that I see any evidence that books stimulate their brains in a better way or cause more creative thinking than TV watching. I don't know exactly what happens to their brain waves watching TV vs. reading books, but I can look at the results and see that my kids are excited, happy, and learn amazing things from TV. They have been inspired to try many new things and explore areas that we might never have thought of if they only read books. Also, aside from the learning it gives them a great deal of joy to watch their favorite shows, especially with friends.

Unschooling Discussion Lists

2011-04-03T16:17:00.002-04:00

I appreciated Vidyut Kale's observations about established communities in a conversation about unschooling discussion lists at Unschooling Talk:

I think it's a side effect of two equally precious things coming together.

- When an experienced person volunteers to guide a community, inevitably they end up answering a lot of very similar questions, seeing very similar problems emerging, etc. They end up giving a lot of the very same, very solid, very generous advice many, many times. Somewhere in the process, the 'expert' (no disrespect intended) stops seeing askers as individuals with unique situations, which may be same, but not similar. When solutions fail to be accepted, they are irritated with the asker for being blind to something so obvious (to the expert). This manifests as subtle insult, which gets picked on by an asker.

- An eager learner pays a lot of attention to details. They are alive to the nuances of impact of small details on what is happening, and the tiny unique details are something significant to them. They don't yet have the experience to go with broad patterns and trust the rest to fall in place. When seeking guidance from an expert, they do expect that the important considerations are... considered, and because they are highly intelligent and have astute insights into the matter, they expect that resource to be utilized. Usually, they will be fine with it being refuted, because it adds to their learning, but summary dismissals make them lose respect for the expert, which manifests as subtle insult and gets picked on by the expert.

This brings up a power struggle, with the asker usually resenting the experts authority to overpower them in the space. However, the greatest loss in this process is usually to the expert, because then their own learning is stopped to a snapshot of knowledge to be served at request. No questioning reaches in to shake that and enrich it with further discoveries.

Any learner through conscious choice - as most who unschool with constant introspection are, cannot respect a didactic form of "unschooling training", so to say, so being exposed to this is very damaging if not reflected on, as they deprive themselves of learning because of their judgments of the source.

Frankly, I think this is more about rigidity than intent. If an expert is able to look at dissent as an alert that there are unconsidered factors, and an asker learns to test the advice they get before either of them being judgmental, this will not happen, but that's tough. Like you said, happens everywhere. Once one person starts it, unless the other consciously disengages....

Criticism

2011-04-03T09:43:00.003-04:00

I've been taking a really close look at how Mitri and I interact when he's offering negative input--how I take in and process criticism and the nature of criticism itself.

From Unschooling Talk:

I can't think of a time when Mitri's negative input has been off. Can't find one time. I can think of at least twice when I responded in defense of myself, indignantly in one case. Both times, it felt off and really counterproductive. In the case of my indignant response, I won the argument in the sense that he stopped giving me negative input. But really, I hurled a whole lot of accurate information at him that completely ignored the also-accurate root of what he was saying.

Why? My self (according to my perception) was damaged and in need of repair, I guess. It's a really entrenched human thing to put a lot of time and effort into protecting the self. Probably functional if it's here. Always dysfunctional to a certain extent.

Through parenting, though, I'm discovering a new ability. The ability to agree. It feels good at those times when I'm not invested in protecting the self to just look at it and see what he's talking about. He wouldn't be bringing something up if there weren't really something to bring up. This nonthreatening space is one that I like to be in and expand. If I can be in this space with adults, that feels good, too.

Why in the situation where I responded defensively and "won" did I feel the need to do so? There's a fear of feeling less-than that leaves me feeling weak and unsupported. As I keep experiencing and questioning that fear, I see that we're always a mixture of the opposites, so why should I feel so threatened by having opposing qualities within me?

Still exploring that.

Plodding and Wandering

2011-04-02T03:10:00.001-04:00

From Always Unschooled:

My son is nearly six now, and here's how the big socialization question turned out for us. He doesn't like to do group activities, but sometimes he likes to go the park, the local children's museum, the library, out shopping, or to Chuck E. Cheese. He has a few friends and loves having them over to play, but he very easily says no when he doesn't feel like it.

Our lives are much smaller (in a sense) with far less socialization than I anticipated when I projected some sort of happy, bubbly ideal when he was a baby. I still project it and catch myself at it. But life isn't like that busy, sparkly picture. Only sometimes.

Day-to-day life is quiet, focused, valuable. I guess valuable because we get to do things slowly, not in crowds, in an unhurried fashion. We like to do almost everything that way.

Most often we're plodders and wanderers, and the group-activity world doesn't have much room for that kind of thing. It's been a process of questioning my fears and settling into the reality of what works best for us.

Fact and Gut

2011-03-31T08:06:00.002-04:00

One question leads to many ripples.

Inspired by a discussion at Radical Unschooling:

I'm not sure of any biological facts anymore, the kind determined by scientific studies, that is. I'm pretty sure of the biological fact, "I have a foot." I mean, there it is! Look at it! Gosh, I hope you see it, too.

But the facts people determine from conducting studies, well now I can't help but look at the conditions they're setting up, the expectations they have, and how those limited conditions and expectations determine an outcome.

Also, have you ever noticed how facts keep changing? That's why I can't sit on one and insist on it too stridently. I can insist that my foot is here. I still have that ability!

What does this leave? A more fluid world, a one in which everything is questioned, a one in which I hear the human constructions called facts and they influence me, but the overriding impulse now is to consult the gut.

We learned to fix our minds on the things we call facts. I guess I'm unlearning that? It's not just one or the other, fact or gut. They're both here, but I think I was taught to worship fact and regard it as fixed. That's dissolving.

Many Sources of Joy

2011-03-30T17:34:00.005-04:00

From Michelle at Radical Unschooling:

Michelle & Ollie

I had a tiny insight recently which helped me in letting go of my yearning for my boys to choose reading over other activities.

I was looking through my old books, books from when I was a child. I picked up Half Magic, which I just adored. I opened it, smelled the pages, looked at the pictures...and I felt so good! And then I realized that *that* was the real thing that I wanted for them. I want my boys to have that feeling! And I was laboring under the delusion that they could only get it the way I did.

George, Eli & Theo

But, it turns out they're different, separate people. ; ) They get their own joy from a lot of different things. I still really want to share the things that made me happy, but it's that joy and connection that are the real end...the means will work themselves out.

TV Just Is

2011-03-30T09:00:00.001-04:00

Gunta shared her observations about various aspects of TV at Radical Unschooling:

I felt like putting together some of the responses I felt while reading the TV discussion.

Information content. I can read a book/newspaper/magazine/online site and I can watch TV for news/information about subjects I am interested in.

References. Many TV programs state who is their expert, there are million of ways to check the info out - and, from the other hand, many books do not have references.

Giving ready-made ideas. Both books and media have those, I guess, that is one of the points.

Addiction. One can get addicted to books or TV. If one wants to keep the mind away from the now, there are very many ways to do that. Books, TV, booze, relationships, adrenaline - you name it. Books and TV (and the rest of limitless options) are just ways.

Entertainment. I would argue that there are as many books that are meant to be purely entertaining as there are TV shows.

Zoning out. Is zoning out while listening to classical music better than zoning out while watching TV or reading a book? One can zone out doing anything. Cooking, walking, watching a sunset, building, gardening, watching TV.

I could argue that we live in a book culture - everyone I know owns several, there are libraries full of books, there is written word everywhere.

Oh, and the historical perspective. Books were used to be seen as evil when they were still a rather new invention. You see, kids were reading instead of using their own imaginations or memorizing the stories of their older kinsmen. Women were reading and getting wrong ideas. Cultures were changing. Sound familiar?

Connection makes a big difference, being able to choose freely makes a huge difference, too. I could argue that gardening is great for everybody and make my children garden. I could argue that excessive physical activity is bad/dangerous for humans and limit my children's moving to, say, 1 hour a day. My beliefs are behind reading books and watching TV, too.

TV just is.

Shadow and Light

2011-03-28T07:40:00.002-04:00

Mitri, me & Sue

From Unschooling Talk:

I originally approached unschooling as a way to render myself completely benign as a parent, to eradicate all harm I could possibly do to my children. (This is only part of the story of course. I was attracted to it because it seemed wonderful, and it is.)

Over time, I realized I'm probably just going to be an ass now and then. Over time, I realized that people giving out advice about unschooling are probably asses themselves now and then.

The thing that's really sticking in my craw lately is that some advice-givers never mention their assholio moments, and I think it gives a completely skewed vision of them as human beings. When I first started sharing about my unschooling experiences and what I was learning, I was afraid of looking bad and being criticized, so I was uber-careful. But over time, I realized it helps people to have the 360 degree view of others, so I share my warts-and-all moments.

I think it helps so much to read about moments when people veered off the path and then recovered. I groused at Sue the other day about getting into her carseat after we had been waiting for over half an hour in the parking lot, by no means our longest wait, but I groused. I can also offer another parent about 47 ways to be with a kid not liking the carseat, but grouse I did. I'm not saying it's right. It's simply the truth of what happened.

One time I shared a warts-and-all moment on a discussion list, and the post never got published. Are we that afraid of what others will do with our imperfections? I doubt they'd base their own parenting solely on our imperfections. Are the people who rush to judgment that afraid of their own imperfections?

I think what gets to me is that we don't trust learners (the parents who are learning alongside us) to handle our whole selves well. We can only give them a sanitized version? Why, because our objective is to control them? Something feels off about that.

Give me a painting with shadow and light, please!

Following a Passion

2011-03-28T06:33:00.001-04:00

Nathan at the carnival

I loved this post from Heather at Shine with Unschooling:

Today we had a rare day of sunshine, in between record-breaking storms for us here in Central California. As luck would have it (or as the Universe would provide it!), there is a small carnival set up at our local mall. If you have read my Shining status updates before, you may remember that Nathan LOVES carnivals and carnival rides--not just attending them, but researching their history, and the way they're set up, and the specifics of the rides. So, as we're walking up to the ticket booth (we were the only ones there!), he said, "Mom, these are the same people that do the carnival at the Caruthers Fair (a local fair that we've attended for the past few years). I recognize the rides, and their bus!" I asked the ticket lady if they were the same and, sure enough, they are. :) I told her how much Nathan liked carnivals, and that he recognized their set-up. She was so excited that she came out of the ticket booth, and interrupted a safety meeting that all the staff was having near us to share with them. From then on, every time Nathan went on a ride, the operators really made it a point to talk to him and interact with him. He had the best afternoon. :) Norah had fun, too, riding the "Dizzy Dragons" (which, sadly, are enough to make me sick these days!) and eating cotton candy. We even have some tickets left over for next time. :)

TV & Video Games: From Control to Understanding

2011-03-27T15:26:00.001-04:00

Martel, Teresa & Greyson

Teresa Graham Brett, author of Parenting for Social Change, shared her journey toward appreciation of TV and video games in a discussion at Freedom and Responsibility.

When I first started parenting, I restricted access to TV, "violent" toys, and other media. I believed that I could guarantee Martel would grow up to be a sensitive caring adult if I did that. When I really began to examine how I used power and control without much thought, I saw that restricting media was one of the ways I created a "sanitized" and controlled environment for Martel to be in. I didn't have to interact as much with him because I knew what he was interacting with and I had thoroughly vetted it and allowed it into the home. In fact I was manipulating him and his environment to meet my needs, not necessarily his. Paulo Freire (who wrote Pedagogy of the Oppressed) describes manipulation as a way of controlling another's thinking and reflecting on the world.

I remember when Martel would watch a PBS show Caillou, he would ask me to turn it off often because he would get scared of the boy getting into trouble with his parents. I didn't see this as a form of self-regulation, but it truly was. I was blind to it because I believed the shows I allowed into the home were safe.

When he got into video games, I had moved much more away from controlling. But often I was uncomfortable with what I saw him playing or even watching on TV. In researching my book, it helped me to see research studies that challenged earlier research on the correlations between violent behavior and violent video games. When the researchers took into account family environment and personality traits, there was no correlation between violent video games and subsequent violent behavior. Experiencing violence in the home was much more connected to violent behavior in children, than playing violent video games. I have also come to see controlling as a form of oppression and violence perpetrated on children. It is, of course, not the same as hitting a child, but it does do its own kind of harm.

The other research I came across (and that is found in Gerard Jones' book Killing Monsters as well) is that for boys, violent video games allow them to explore themes of war, death and violence in a safe way. Adolescent boys in focus groups (across race) indicated that these games helped them to cope with stress and other struggles in their real lives. There is less research out there on girls and video games.

Beyond the violence, I have seen some amazing learning happening in the games Martel plays. Beyond reading and math, his has developed some great critical thinking skills. In another study done that looked at children and adolescents who were expert video game players, they exhibited the same skills that are seen in adults who are experts in other fields (science, math, social sciences). A child expert player actively seeks new information; incorporates new information; assesses situations using multiple pieces of data; organizes, classifies, and categorizes information; consistently applies successful behaviors; is confident about one’s own knowledge; is willing to take risks; employs corrective action when needed; can consider input from multiple sources; recognizes patterns; uses holistic thinking; is able to integrate information with behaviors; uses inductive thinking; strategizes; thinks critically; and recognizes constraints and misinformation. I don't mean to bore people with the research, but I think it is important. We may often see children playing video games as a waste of time, but they are learning skills that in adults we might admire and aspire to. But, in children, we might dismiss or choose not to see the positive impact of video game playing.

Tube Watching

2011-03-25T16:56:00.013-04:00

Mitri & Sue watching the tube

There's an interesting conversation about TV going on at Radical Unschooling. Some of my favorite bits (I'll add more periodically):

The original question from Rachel:
We just recently purchased a new larger tv and my 3 1/2 year old is demanding to watch it 24/7. We have had it for a little over a week and although I really do not want a struggle over this he will sit there and watch 8hrs straight...........I have tried to go with the flow and let him watch as he wants but he is not lessening his watching time. I have tried offering different things to do but his reply is NO, I want to watch a show. We have basic cable and there is really only PBS shows to watch but I am beginning to get really nervous. Any advice is welcome........

From Melissa:

My oldest son is a tv watcher, and he has been since he was very small. We never "really" restricted it, though I have to confess worrying about it through the years (and sometimes in an "open" way, which I now regret). As a Highly Senstive Person, TV wears on me after a while - the constant noise has a cumulative effect and I get to a point where it has to go off (but we have accommodated to that now because he just watches in another room - easy solution). The key for me was realizing that HE did not have this same "issue", in fact it was the opposite - he calms down and processes things WHILE he watches TV.

This same boy now writes detailed scripts for animated series of his own creation, makes pictorial journals of unusual creatures (a la the loch ness monster and the like), built a Jurassic Park scene complete with capture gear and vehicles, among many other things that I could link directly to his TV watching.

It is really hard to "let it go", especially when they are little and everyone in the world is telling you not to "let" them watch TV because it will somehow rot their brain. But I tell you sincerely, TV has not rotted my son's brain, it has opened up worlds for him. And I would not be surprised at all if he was the next Steven Spielberg or George Lucas. When he isn't running for President, that is. ;>

So either restrict the TV or don't, but be OK with whatever you decide and go with it. Allowing TV and not believing it's OK is almost as bad as restricting it - your son will feel that split energy.

Good luck - maybe your son and mine will collaborate on some fantastic TV series or movie in the future!

**************

From Debbie:

Issac plays at more.starfall.com.

I can relate to your fears of having a child that wants to do NOTHING but sit in front of a screen all day. In our case it is the computer. (We don't have a tv.) I have struggled as my 4 1/2 year old wants to do nothing but play on the computer. He won't come out for lunch because he's too caught up in his play, he won't go to the washroom because he's too caught up in his play. This stresses me out. Still for me, unschooling is about learning to trust my child. Validating his needs and not making one activity seem as though it is more important than another.

In the last six months I have completely (I think) let go of controlling his computer time. I used to say he could only have it after lunch, so that I was satisfied that he had some nourishment. But I have even let that go knowing that he will not starve. And of course knowing that he will go to the washroom when he sees fit. And you know what? He isn't on it as much anymore. Granted, today he's been in there all day. :) But we have stretches of days where we just sit and play board games, bake in the kitchen, create using paint and paper and odds and ends.

Trust that whatever it is your child is getting from watching TV, that it is valid for him. That he is learning. Of course he is learning. It can be hard to let go of the idea that learning doesn't involve the tv or computer - but for this youngest generation a lot of it is going to happen there. One thing I do is I always invite Isaac to help me in whatever it is I am doing. Sometimes he jumps at the chance...sometimes he declines. It's fine either way. He is in charge of what he wants to do...and I really want to respect that. As long as opportunities are being provided for other outlets of learning to happen, then I feel good.

**************

From Pip:

Whoopi Goldberg was an avid TV watcher as a kid and she attributes her desire to pursue acting and comedy to TV watching - just a thought.

**************

From Christina:

Consider this - when books became more readily available it was a common belief that just sitting around all day reading was a waste of time and lazy!

Now if a kid reads all the time we think they must be going to Harvard for sure.

I think much of people's problems with TV comes from that same place of judgment. We always judge and fear new technology. If I can let go of my judgment of WHAT my kids are watching on TV then I can feel fine with however much they want to watch it.

Whenever I find myself feeling uncomfortable about the shows my 10 year old watches I just try to visualize his successful comedy career that will be the result of all the "education" he's receiving from the Simpson's, Family Guy and all the other "inappropriate" comedy shows he loves! :)

**************

From me:

I think Mitri was about the same age when he had some amazing movie marathons. Watching TV wasn't always either/or at that time. Sometimes he liked it if I set up something to do nearby. Other times I could just kind of read the situation and see he had all he needed at that moment.

Fascination turns to fascination turns to fascination around here. They loop back on each other and new ones always emerge.

Possible mantras/reminders:
"Whatever he's paying attention to is worthy of his attention."
"As I relax, I will be inspired to offer whatever he needs."

"The lens he's watching through is a safe lens for him."

The last one popped into my head when I was thinking about how Mitri has watched The Simpsons and Family Guy with Joe since he was about 3. We've had lots of fun talking about Stewie. Mitri's attention always goes to the things he loves, mainly various antics or things that happen suddenly, like blood spurting out, and it's always felt safe if I focus on what brings him joy. "Yeah, the blood went 'shoom!' and it went EVERYWHERE! And then Peter SNEEZED!"

He's not afraid of blood. I am at times. Love nurturing the not-fear in him (and me) when I get a chance.

**************

Ochre & Spiral

From Kaya:

My 4 year old son loves tv and movies and watches them sooo much (esp. the same movie over and over if he is into it), and he also loves so many other things just as much although they are often things that he requires me to accompany or help him with. If I suggest we go and wrestle on the trampoline he will jump up from anything including the tv or he will often ask me if we can walk to the dam (a swimming hole) and swim (he recently discovered he doesn't sink with his life jacket on so wants to swim constantly) and wants to stay there all day.

Ochre swimming

Often when he is constantly watching tv it is when I am a bit hesitant to do such physical things with him (I would like to also find other people to do these things with him more as well) or I am busy doing other things. The tv is something he can easily have loads of fun with without requiring other people to help him.

**************

From Molly:

It has helped me to embrace my situation if I can. Like maybe you can see if you are okay with letting him decide how much and how long to watch TV, and get excited about all the things you can do while he is on the TV. Any projects you have wanted to start? Finish? Cooking? Sewing? Organizing? Calling friends? Getting on the treadmill/exercising? Watching some favorite DVD’s on your computer? It helped me a lot to find fun things for me to do while my kid/s were exploring their passions. It’s also nice to choose a few shows to watch with him and have a great time connecting over things he loves. My son used to watch tons of TV and he is now 23 and never turns it on. This too shall pass!

**************

From Laurie:

Laurie's artwork

I skimmed over most of the emails on this topic last night and wanted to share my experience as my son Ethan is a huge fan of TV and computers. (And video games.)

There have been times when I felt like he was watching sooo much, but I've learned to relax about it. Sometimes he is watching TV while playing a game on a lap top which really used to make me think he was rotting his brain double time! Or doing those things while also building some kind of art creation like a little multi tasking mad scientist! (He likes to find tutorial videos on you tube where kids are making home made gadgets, race tracks or various play "things" and make along side them.)

But, I realize most of my worry came from what other people would say or think when they ask him what he did all day and he responds "Oh watched a lot of TV." Though of course that's not all he did, but he spends a good amount of time doing so. I've never been the type of person to care what someone else thought, but it bothered me that they would judge our life style and misunderstand what TV had to offer!

Overall TV watching has shown him so much learning too, things he gets from "real interaction" but just the same here: Dialogue, social interaction, new vocabulary, trouble shooting, inspiration coming from all over the place and new ideas and events that he can only get from watching TV like science, nature and cooking shows. He picks up on some hilarious quotes and makes me laugh endlessly. Roseanne and The Office quotes are some of our favorites! We also have an inside joke about Doug Heffernan (Sp?) from King of Queens. Any time we see a UPS truck we scream "DOUG!". It's silly, see inside joke. haha We LOVE him. Ok...going off topic.

Right now, Ethan's least favorite thing to do is read and write. He is like not interested in slowing down. Haha I'm fine with it because when he is on the computer he is reading and writing-he just doesn't even think about it. And with the Tv, like I said earlier-he is learning new vocabulary and dialogue. You have to look beneath the surface. When I was a kid, I wasn't into it either but now all I want to do is read and write. So, time will come.

The thing is, I've relaxed not only because I have accepted and realized the "benefits" of TV, my son has so many other interests too. He loves being outside skateboarding or just running around in the woods building hideouts. Ethan has started to show interest in making movies, being a game developer (art side of things) and has been so inspired play "survivor man" after watching shows like Man vs Wild.

I can understand the worry or fear because I went through that too, but the funny thing is to my son, he doesn't feel like he watches tons of TV. On the days where I work (from home) and we're not running between meeting friends for fun or classes, hanging out together, playing around outside or even watching TV together, Ethan entertains himself with the TV and lap top. Again, always multi tasking with something else going on too. I'm a single parent so the times I can work a solid block of time is great. It's just what works for our family. Then, when the other kids in the neighborhood get out of school, he'll go out and spend several hours with them, clearly spending less time with these kids...but when you ask my son he will tell you he spent the "whole day outside". I think his perception of watching TV is so different than mine. Though he is clearly inspired by the things he sees on TV, he really loves and remembers the time he spends with friends running around being a kid. It's so much more special and powerful to him. That comforts me when I start worry again, and of course he reassures me when he just wants to sit outside with me because it's a nice day.

**************

Lesley, who blogs here, wrote:

Also though, what is concerning you about the tv watching? Or more succinctly, what are you afraid of?

Typical tv fears are that the child will do nothing but watch tv forever, will never learn xyz, will become damaged in some way from watching tv, etc… Even if any of these were true (and frankly, they’re not) the key is looking at your own fear and what you make it mean about yourself. It’s also a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you think those thoughts, you give off energy and act in ways that create exactly what you fear. But we can examine our thoughts, play around with them, question them. Tell me where I am wrong, but I’m guessing that when you offer different activities it’s in the interest of getting him away from the tv rather than in the interest of sharing something wonderful and life expanding and joyful that you’re interested in doing with him. You could be offering the exact same thing, but when you do it from the first energy he’s likely to feel coerced. From the second energy he may be tempted- or he may just really want to finish watching the show he’s currently immersed in.

I’d also ask myself what he is getting out of this experience. Is he exploring autonomy? Is he truly enjoying the shows? Can you sit down and connect with him about the shows?- find out what’s so exciting, or what he’s getting out of watching and just simply observe your child. Is there anything different about him other than the fact he’s watching tv?

Be his student and biggest supporter instead of his designated worrier for a while- meet him where he is. You’ll find out a lot about him and yourself.

**************

Monika wrote:

Hi Rachel, I do think this is such a personal thing. You have to go with what feels right for you and your family.

As an added note, we no longer limit my son at all, he is very good at self-regulatting now. But we did have to nudge him in that direction.

He is almost 4 now.

I do agree with everyone who said that it makes a difference with the zone you are in when you approach your son. If you approach with fear, worry, anxiety, judgment, you will be sendng out negative vibes that will really influence him by trying to resist you. If you approach him with joy and gratitude and knowing that he is his best inner guide and offer him alternative activities and trust him to make good decisions for himself, I think that always works best.

But if he looks miserable watching t.v. and it is effecting his health and balance, then I think stepping in short-term from a place of not wanting to control but wanting to help him find his balance again than I think that is just fine too.

Only you and your family can know what is best for your family dynamics!

**************

Jolene wrote:

How about enjoying the free time you have while he’s watching TV! Sing Hallelujah and go do something for yourself... yoga, dance around the house, cook and eat a delicious meal just for you, write in a journal, read a book, write a book! Go outside yourself, if it’s safe to be outside while he’s on the couch.

I used to worry about the same things, but then realized that I could be having a lot more fun!

I’m not sure if someone mentioned this, but for me it was also a lot of fun to sit and watch the shows with my son and find out what he thought of them.

**************

Anita wrote:

Just wanted to let you know my 9 yr old son has been out of school for 6 months. When he was at school he’d put the tv on and watch anything until bedtime – his way of zoning out I think. We’ve been deschooling and he has watched lots of tv (most of everyday) but much less Cartoon Network and more dvds of things he’s really interested in eg Dr Who, documentaries. In the last few days I’ve noticed large chunks of time when the tv has been off and he’s been playing with his lego.

**************

Many thanks to all for letting me share your stories!

Learning Physics

2011-03-25T07:59:00.000-04:00

Neat blog post about physics:
http://familyrun.ning.com/profiles/blogs/physics-1?xg_source=activity

This Moment

2011-03-25T05:44:00.004-04:00

My wise friend Robin Flinchum said this:

I have only recently come to a more true belief in the notion that any decisions I make based on a hoped for future outcome are misinformed and misguided. The decisions I make based on this moment are the ones that usually bring that sense of connection, completion, joy.

I think this goes nicely with this quote from John Gatto, author of The Underground History of American Education:

[O]nly the fresh air from millions upon millions of freely made choices will create the educational climate we need to realize a better destiny.

Preschool

2011-03-24T07:56:00.000-04:00

This is from a discussion of preschool over at Always Unschooled. The discussion has been going on for a while, and yesterday what I wanted to say finally popped into focus.

I had thoughts about preschool that didn't bubble up into actual words until yesterday while I watched and helped Sue paint. She painted a bit, but much more fascinating to her were the other bits about the process:

- Dipping her hands into clean, bubbly water, swirling them around, watching the bubbles pop, watching the water turn colors.

- Having me repeatedly squeeze a paint bottle so she could watch the bubble come out of the hole and hear the spluttery noise.

- Dropping a tiny gemlike sticker into the clear container of painty water, watching me as I lifted the container up to find it on the bottom. Having me retrieve it. Repeating several times.

- Splashing in the water, sloshing it on the painty paper. Watching the paint dissolve and run, making puddles.

Thinking about how things are likely to go in a preschool setting, even one with an emphasis on free play, it doesn't seem like there's room for this sort of exploration. That said, I always love reading about people's experiments with school because I like it when my assumptions get blown to bits.

Remembering Summer

2011-03-23T09:57:00.000-04:00

Grown Unschoolers

2011-03-21T15:06:00.002-04:00

Interesting interview with Carsie Blanton, a grown unschooler:
http://www.unschooler.com/2011/03/7-aint-so-green/

The Menu of the World

2011-03-20T22:21:00.000-04:00

Anne from Shine with Unschooling shared an excerpt of her conference talk, "What is So Radical about Radical Unschooling." The entire talk is available for download here: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/WeShine

**********

I am always so blown away by Sam's vocabulary. He is brilliant and eloquent and comes up with words that, at first, make me think, “Where did he get that from?”, but then I know that the answer is that he got it from living a
real life in the real world. He got it from his Esquire magazine, his violent video game, from Jimmy Fallon or Family Guy or a show on the history channel…from his girlfriend, from his father, from friends’ facebook status updates…from anywhere, from everywhere. The real world is filled with eloquence and Sam chooses to notice it and take pieces of it for his own personal use. He knows the kind of guy he wants to be, and as Dave described it, “Sam picks what he wants from the menu of the world instead of having things force-fed to him.”

I love that. And I love not only that he uses words that make me wonder where he got them from, but I love his courage in choosing to use them, because while he is usually *right on* in his usage of them, sometimes he is
not. And when he is not, he’ll realize it, play around with it a bit more until he finds the word he was really looking for, like he’s shifting that puzzle piece around and around until it fits just right.

All of this about Sam amazes and impresses me because I went to school. And I so CLEARLY remember being told over and over again in school that you had to READ A LOT OF BOOKS in order to have a good vocabulary. In fact, the exact words my classmates and I repeatedly heard from the teachers were, "Timothy Prevost is so smart and has such a good vocabulary because he reads books all of the time." Everybody hated Timothy Prevost. Without trying to, and just for being Who He Was, the rest of us were made to feel bad about ourselves because our teachers chose to place a comparative and competitive value on a child who finds his joy in reading books.

Sam has probably read one book all the way through ~ it was the graphic novel Watchmen.

He started really reading strongly when he was about 13 years old (please note that I did not say, “He didn’t read until he was 13 years old” ~ that’s not how we choose to see our children in our home…we don’t see them
according to a *lack*…we see the full glory of Who They Are In This Moment). Before that, he always just kind of guessed at the words that were in video games…or he would know enough certain key words, some very long and complex ones, to get by in order to play his games or YuGiOh. He has also depended SO much on Jake to read things to him, and Jake would ~ happily, I might add. And because of all of his years of being used to doing this ~
skimming, guessing and asking ~ he’s kind of gotten into the habit of doing just those things BEFORE he decides to actually READ something, even though he can read very well.

Reading Stories

2011-03-20T13:23:00.003-04:00

Thanks to folks who graciously allow me to share stories about their families.

MeL from unschooling-dot-com wrote about her 7yo reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid:
Dude, my son is reading. Totally today. By himself. Yesterday he didn't read, I guess. I have done little, traditionally speaking, to reach this end. He's reading, yay!! My mama was such a pain in the butt, but she was wrong! Haha...he did it all by himself! Well, the learning part. We are avid readers, so the encouragement was always there, but...I feel happy!

From Linda at Shine with Unschooling:

I always said when we reached a certain milestone, I would shout it from the rooftops!!! And here we are...

My 12 y/o son is reading. Just a few months ago there was a discussion of late reading on this list and I devoured every word. I was so concerned. Maybe I was doing something wrong. Maybe I wasn't doing enough. Maybe he has some type of disability that I was in denial about and I was harming him by not actively pursuing some type of treatment. He was 12 and not reading anything!!! Other people who talk about late reading have 8 y/o children and my child is much older!!!

But just in the past few weeks, my husband commented that our son was reading pretty well. It didn't sink in to me at that time. I got a trial membership to this online reading site and had my son take the placement test. I was amazed at how well he was doing until he decided to see what would happen if he started answering questions wrong on purpose and the test ended. What my husband did (and what we've tried to do it the past but my son was just not ready until now) was not read things aloud to my son right away. He plays these video games where you interact with the characters. There are many points in the game where you can choose from a bunch of different phrases that you want your character to say, then the NPC says something aloud, and you have another choice to make. We've always just read his choices aloud to him. Now when he says "what does that say?" I repeat the question most of the time and he reads it himself!! Sometimes there's new words, or sometimes he just doesn't feel like reading, so I'll still read it for him. But now I know that he's capable and it's a huge relief to me. I can write him a note and he can read it. I can write him a list to go to the store and he can get everything on the list without asking the store owner to read it for him. He can read the single panel comics his grandparents send him. He's starting to write little notes to us...

Now I see how all my anxiety was for nothing. I've read about how some people learn to read by recognizing words first and, once they have a big number of words they recognize THEN learn to sound out new words. My older sons learned to read in school in a traditional manner and they had trouble. They were both about 14 when reading actually took off for them and they started reading for pleasure and to get information. Now I see that my younger son is probably heading down a similar path, but he was never forced to read - it all happened in its own time in his own way. I'm so glad.

But, really, it's not the greatest thing he's doing right now. He's also growing, opening up more, being assertive about what he wants, being more honest and direct, refining his sense of humor, discussing healthy choices. These things are his real work and what I'm really proud of him for. So while I'm happy that he's reading it's not the shout it from the rooftop feeling I thought it would be. It was time for him to do it and he did it and his life is great.

A New Spin on Classes

2011-03-19T20:36:00.003-04:00

Kids' interests can change on a dime, but the world seems to be set up as if they remain static for long periods of time. I found some refreshing perspectives on dipping into classes in posts at Shine with Unschooling.

Amy wrote:
Do your children love that art class, or is it something you're doing because you "ought to do something like this"? If your children don't love it, I would seriously consider getting all of you out of that environment. If you've already paid ahead, consider it a payment for a wonderful life lesson -- joy is valued. Being who you are is more important than finishing something out because you paid for it. Love wins. ;)

Erica wrote:
My girls' interests change like the...I don't even think there's a word for how rapid they change! And they should at ages 3.5 and 5.5 as they explore and discover who THEY are and what brings them joy...not what I desire for them or what I think they should do. However, whatever the current interest may be, they are always passionate and committed to pursuing it. The last go round was dance class--we lasted for 2 months with the younger one and 6 weeks with the older. Before that it was soccer...and gymnastics...and...and...and... :) We simply choose our venues carefully and find great value in a place that isn't going to freak if we simply say "we're done, but thanks!" And we have come to a place of recognizing sooner if it's time to walk away--and we're good with that!

Emotion

2011-03-19T10:16:00.002-04:00

A friend just shared this poem by Rumi.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Lately, in responding to the kids' emotions and my own, I hit a point of struggle, an unwillingness to have the emotion there. I love the idea of being able to embrace everything.

Over at Unschooling Miracles, a discussion about how people talk with their kids about emotions inspired this:

I've learned a lot from fumbling around emotions with Mitri and finding a shared language to describe what we both go through.

We use the word "sometimes" a lot, as in sometimes we get mad, and sometimes we can stay calm, and sometimes we really believe things we don't believe later. It kind of levels the playing field, panning back and seeing how everyone goes through this. It also makes it not so personal, like a recognition that the human experience fluctuates.

I remember after getting mad one time I said that when I'm mad I'm confused and stuck in a place where I really believe something, and it just takes time for me to get back to the good-feeling place again.

Our mantra around stuck places is, "It always goes away."

Questions

2011-03-18T09:34:00.004-04:00

From Unschooling Talk:

I like the way Mitri answers questions. When someone asks him a question that seems to be motivated by a desire to see if he knows what the asker thinks he should, he almost never gives the asker what she wants.

Sometimes I may have seen him demonstrate particular knowledge before, but he gives a random answer or a grinning "I don't know" when someone asks him. I have a sense that the "I don't know" is true for him. Seems like the info is not floating on the surface of his brain for him to grab when it's not needed.

When someone tries to help him find the answer and gives hints, he just won't go there. I have seen him jump up and down with excitement waiting for the asker to tell him the answer, though. It's like he's saying, "You're about to reveal a wonderful surprise. What is it?!"

Shifting

2011-03-18T09:12:00.001-04:00

Funny, whenever I get wound up in some particular thing, I always lose confidence in how things can shift dramatically. This time around it was Sue's teeth. She didn't want me in there, but I feel anxiety about not doing a good enough job on her teeth, so I entered this nervous cycle of trying back off but still pestering her with offers or "creative" solutions.

And then this morning...poof! I put the toothbrush next to her in a bowl and walked away. She very formally thanked me and brushed her teeth for quite a while. Then an hour later when we were playing in the bathroom, she brushed her own teeth twice more and asked me to brush mine while she studied me very carefully.

Memo to self for next time: It's safe to back off.

Quick! Fix it!

2011-03-16T10:04:00.003-04:00

From Unschooling Talk:

I noticed a funny thought pattern in myself over the years. Something on the order of...

Okay, you're doing this different thing, but in order to avoid criticism (what, the aim of my life?) you certainly better look happy and interesting and smart and thriving and healthy while you do it. Then I would read about someone else's representation of their life, deem mine not something enough yet or too much of something else, and notice that I was efforting to nudge my own image in one way or the other so I could rest.

In one sense, the sense of being inspired by others, efforting is benign and enjoyable. In the other, the sense of pushing myself to be good enough, it's not so fun. My kids seem to be responsive to brand 1 of efforting and indifferent or resistant to brand 2.

The best example I can think of is the idea of having a Big Wide Happy Joyful Open unschooling life. I think I would feel relieved if we were going all kinds of interesting places and meeting interesting people and doing fabulous things. If I could choreograph my life that way, then I would feel protected from the notion that my kids are way too sheltered. But Mitri wants to stay home. He will not let me choreograph. Instead, he lets me see my urge to make things look vibrant enough on the surface. Let me use you to make me feel better!

If there's one thing Mitri and Sue helped me see more clearly, it's my own anxiety. When I'm coming from that place, they tend not to trust me.

What happens if you drop the striving?

2011-03-16T09:07:00.002-04:00

Various bits inspired by a conversation at Shine with Unschooling:

It sounds like you're at the most intense point of doubt and confusion and wanting a shift. For me, at this point, if I can remember that it always resolves and shifts into something new, it helps a lot. I can't always remember that.

*****************

As far as I can tell, I don't really do more than look after my kids' emotional and physical needs, which include their needs for fun and joy. It helps me to take a step back and see how much takes care of itself. Of course I feed them. Of course I spend time with them. How could I not? And alongside all this happening, my kids explore their interests. How could they not? Again, it helps to see this as a self-propelled thing.

When I look at myself as a component within the process instead of being in charge of it, the way I relax provides me with inspiration and energy to connect with them.

Sometimes I hold ideas between myself and them.
- I should be offering enough fruits and vegetables.
- I should get the house cleaner.
- I should be offering more stimulating, creative things.
- We should get outside more.

When I stick closer to my ideas instead of my kids, it never really turns out well. I'm really safe and perfectly fine just sticking to my kids and seeing how life evolves. This is probably the main thing I've learned from unschooling.

*****************

When I see anxiety in myself (and I just did last night), it's always a much harder struggle if I put myself in charge of ending the anxiety, ending the stress. If I broaden my perspective and focus on how emotions come and go, and these unpleasant ones will definitely go, always have before, it helps me appreciate and build upon the times when I am not anxious and stressed.

*****************

One of the things that has helped me regarding resentment is to regard it as an acceptable human experience. In the past, it would come up, I would call it wrong, and I would be miserable. Now it comes up, I see it as a temporary thing many if not all humans experience, and that leaves me better able to just sizzle with it until it fizzles away.

*****************

If you're not truly locked into a curriculum, you could consider the idea that you're not responsible for your kids' learning. You're there while they live their lives, and there's no way you couldn't be interested in that or helpful in that process. I bet if you really look at what you do day to day, you'll see lots of things you didn't see before.

*****************

I've found it works really well for us not to explain. Like if someone asks us if Dmitri is reading yet, I can tell them that he's interested in letters, which is true. Giving the simplest, briefest, most direct answer to inquiries seems to work well for now.

*****************

With all of the conditioning we've received over our lifetimes, we're probably going to fall back on old assumptions from time to time. If I can regard this stress as a blip, a sneeze, an okay reaction, and then back to life, it helps. When it comes down to it, I know my kids learn what they need to know when they need to know it. Most of what people say they need is not what they need, so my kids don't struggle toward it or hang onto it. You could call it efficient.

*****************

I think "go strew" is an excellent instruction to give to someone all fired up about unschooling and wanting a list of things to do. Do you ever notice how our kids don't need a list of things to do, though? They trust themselves. Amazing.

I felt anxiety from time to time about strewing enough or well enough. And then, over time, strewing became less a thing I labeled and intentionally did, and more a natural part of life. I bet if you watch yourself for a whole month, you'll catch yourself strewing. It's not an assignment. "Go strew" is a fantastic assignment for someone who wants one, but in my most stressed times assignments are not helpful.

The thing that has helped me get closer and closer to my kids and therefore more trusting that I'll just do all that needs to be done, is gradually prying my fingers off all those expectations we pick up as we grow up. It's still happening for me. Underneath it all, I quite naturally do what needs to be done.

*****************

Sounds to me like a good instinct, to not want to be the one to teach. Here's what I think I signed up for when having children--being there and learning. I'm doing both. You're doing both. Lots of other people will say that we're in charge of transferring knowledge, but kids (and people in general) truly do pick up what they need when they need it.

*****************

Sometimes I hear about some fabulously sparkly unschooling day in someone else's life, and I hold it up as some standard that I need to achieve (old, old knee-jerk), and I see myself pushing myself to be good enough. That's falling away now, though. Our very plain and occasionally sparkly life is fine. That's probably the most important thing I've learned--that there really isn't anywhere to go. We're always here, and I can take the pressure off. In the absence of pressure, there is inspiration.

*****************

We don't do classes for now. It just doesn't fit into our lives because of the compressed feeling we get from trying to fit into a box of a class at a specific time. We do well with things that let us come and go freely. We do really well with staying at home most of the time. That was one thing I really had to get over, because I felt inadequate if I weren't out there serving up a variety of experiences on a platter to my kids. But they didn't want those. They wanted to relax. Now I want to relax more than I want to "make sure they're okay." I know they already are okay. I'm okay, and I don't have to scramble to be okay.

*****************

We're surrounded by friends who can read now, and I'd be a liar if I said I never had an uncomfortable thought about it. I treat the uncomfortable thoughts like labor. It wasn't a problem to feel uncomfortable during labor. It was part of the process. It was nothing I needed to fight against or stop. Sensations during labor come and go. Uncomfortable thoughts come and go.

It's a pattern for us to take our instincts, put ourselves up against someone else's judgment, and then decide we're inadequate, but even that pattern swirls away and loses its power over time.

*****************

Sometimes I think, "We aren't flashy and vibrant enough! We aren't good enough as we are! Quick! I must take action to fix us!" And then my kids wisely reject any action that comes from this place. :)

If I'm really patient, and I sit still and wait and watch, I can see my own inspiration in action. Yesterday I made a clay guy with my son. It happened by itself. That's my curriculum for me lately, watching how much happens by itself, reframing how I view things to see myself as a willing participant rather than someone keeping up with a myriad of jobs.

*****************

I think it's really okay not to want to do stuff in the sense of creating an elaborate framework of offering it to your kids. I've made peace to an extent with my main interest, which is just taking care of my family and being with them. It's enough. Interests do spring up and we follow them. Sometimes I lead an inspiration, really, truly from within. But it's only occasionally. And that's fine.

I think our society has conditioned us with a go!go!go! do!do!do! perspective that doesn't truly fit who most of us are.

*****************

I have, at various times, felt more comfortable with having rules for myself--like I will get up and get everybody breakfast and make sure to offer fruit and and and. More often than not, I find that my rules keep me from being where I am and they pave over moments when I might have had a genuine impulse to connect with my kids, but I dropped it in favor of my rule.

Over time, I don't like life under my own rules, drop the rules, and realize I'm perfectly safe swinging in the hammock of life without using my fears to keep me safe. This process has taken years for me, and it's still happening.

The other angle is when you say you're neglecting your children, are you truly? Sometimes self-blame is the easiest knee-jerk reaction to stress. If we can blame ourselves, then we can fix ourselves, and then one day we'll be good enough. I'm in the process of shedding this one.

If I'm wanting more connection with my kids, the only solution I've found so far is getting off my own back, watching how I chastise myself and realizing that's never going to be a good engine for me.

Toy Justice

2011-03-15T16:25:00.001-04:00

Inspired by a conversation at Always Unschooled:

Dealing with toy snatching is one of the trickier things I'm learning how to navigate. I've had to question all my assumptions about justice and things being rightfully somebody's. I've had to increase my confidence that things work out.

Mitri is 5, and Sue is 2. I feel like I do a lot of really brief-as-possible explanations as to what the perspective of the other kid is.

When Sue is white knuckle clenching a toy and yelling, "MINE!", she's not really saying, "This is mine for all time." She saying, "In this moment, it really feels like mine. I'm not able to let this go right now." In another moment she's not going to care about mine/yours at all. Once I noticed this, I loosened up my thinking about mine/yours.

There's a lot of supporting the kid who's upset and finding substitutes. The youngest is far more likely to accept substitutes or to be distracted entirely because she has fewer attachments to things.

There's a lot of talking about "ready," as in, "She doesn't feel ready to give that to you now, so let's give her a minute." Probably our biggest tool is time, knowing that we can take a minute, wait, and watch things shift.

Mitri is beginning to see that when he directs his distress toward his sister,
she holds onto whatever the popular thing is more tightly and for longer. It's
really interesting to watch the change in him as he talks himself through
waiting for a minute, finds substitutes for himself or for Sue, or decides that
he doesn't really need what he was focused on. That last one is still pretty
rare.

It's always amazing to watch Sue as she's a tiger growling and clutching one
moment and then easily gives up the item and even pats Mitri on the back as soon
as any and all pressure is off her. Because of this, I don't tell her she
should give things back to Dmitri. I do tell her he wants particular things,
and I repeat that at intervals that don't seem too pushy. Same when the
situation is reversed.

This particular situation is one where it really feels like we're riding the
waves of tension. My primary objective is to open things up and have a calming
influence. When that happens, it doesn't matter so much where objects end up.
The idea of justice seems less important in these situations than just being
with the two of them and noticing all the tiny little reactions that happen.

But It's Bad!

2011-03-14T09:27:00.001-04:00

I love it when something people say is bad turns out to be good. Camille from Always Unschooled wondered about her child sitting in the W position because people told her in the past that it would be harmful.

My daughter (13 months) has recently started sitting in the W position. I remember that I used to sit that way as a child and was told not to because it was "bad" for me. I really liked sitting that way and hated that I wasn't allowed to and am now wondering if there was in fact any factual basis for that. I feel that she began naturally sitting that way and it must be comfortable for her so... why even intervene? Especially when we live the RU life. Anyone else have children that sit that way and are told by others that they shouldn't? Or has anyone looked into this matter and found that it is in fact bad for development?

Here's what Deb R contributed:

My sister did that - and became an AWESOME competitive swimmer from ages 5 to 12/13 yrs old - she could handle the specialized kicking required for butterfly and breaststroke because of how she sat. She also became a great soccer player and got a softball scholarship to college so sitting like that didn't affect her running negatively or anything like that. *Forcing* a specific position would probably do damage but if it's a comfortable, natural position, I don't know that it would be a big problem in the long run.

New Unschooling Discussion Group

2011-03-13T06:51:00.000-04:00

I just started this:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingtalk/

I noticed a teachery feel to many of the groups in which I participate, so I thought I'd experiment with setting up a group that emphasizes exploration over teaching others how to do.

Everything Comes in Its Own Time

2011-03-10T16:17:00.005-05:00

From Sharon of Always Unschooled:

Today, Greg cooked himself breakfast of soft boiled eggs and made up his "orange juice with magnesium supplement" - all on his own without me there in the kitchen, and not a single drop of mess LOL!!! The past few weeks, he has been helping out around the house - put away his laundry which I have folded into the lanudry basket; I vacummed and he puts away the vacum; pick up the phone when it rings. Brushed his teeth and got changed every morning without being reminded.

I am so proud of him!! Who would have expected this from such a consummate online gaming child LOL!! Four years ago, if someone told me that my child will be capable of such motivation, I would have laughed and say "I wish".

Greg is diagnosed with Aspergers, so in our eyes, this morning's achievement is a HUGE HUGE milestone in many areas.. and that too of the lessons and skills that he has chosen to equip himself with in the past months.

Not saying it is all smooth sailing, we still have those moments of despair, whereby he thinks he can't do anything. Most of the time, it is resolved with lots of patience and space to back off and lots of chats to find out why; and help him understand why; understand what or where his limitations is and why it is there; and how can we, together with Greg, find solutions to resolve it. Or if not, how do we "bridge it".

Trust and confidence in following Greg's decisions and preferences in all areas of his life, is the foundation of our harmonious and happy unschooling life.

Reading Stories

2011-03-09T00:18:00.001-05:00

I love learning-to-read stories, so (with permission) I'm collecting some here.

From Wendy of Radical Unschooling:

Every once in a while my issues or others issues about [my oldest son] not reading would come up and I would try again and we again would both just be frustrated. By the time he was 9 we were understanding more about the life we were trying to live and learning that what we were leaning toward was unschooling and so I let it go. At 9 he really wasn’t reading, at 10 he picked up a book and seemed kind of interested and by 11 he had taken off and was reading every Harry Potter book out there. Today he is 13 and loves reading books and is currently interested in books on reading body language by Paul Ekman.

My daughter had absolutely no desire what so ever to read, I watched and she went through the same exact process as my oldest. At 9 she kind of was interested, on her own. At 10, she would pick up kids books here and there and she is now 11 (almost) and reading Tolkien. She also enjoys The Dork diaries.

My youngest is currently 9. With him it has been an amazing journey. He has been unschooled from the beginning. He asked me a few months ago, “Mom, if I can’t read by the time I am 15, will you help me learn?” I told him I would help him learn whenever he was ready. He told me he was ready. We went to the library and picked out some books with funny stories. We play games that he asks to play that have to do with learning how to read because he wants to. In fact he just asked me a few minutes ago if we could play that game again today. Because I have seen it with the first two, I know he will come along when he is ready. Though, he seems to be declaring his readiness a little differently than the others. We have always played word games in our car. This started after watching a movie about spelling bees.

I personally didn’t care for reading when I was younger. I loved being read to and this was mostly done by my teachers in school. I don’t ever remember my parents reading to me, but I love reading to my kids or listening to books on tape/cd with them. I read 1 book in full before I turned 26. This was in middle school. It was a Sweet Valley High book. I faked it the rest of the way through, watched movies that were based on books to get reports done. I joined a book club with a friend at 26 and we read, “I Married Adventure”. I absolutely love to read now! I am reading all different types of things all of the time.

Reading

2011-03-02T09:28:00.002-05:00

Interesting blog post about reading:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/201002/children-teach-themselves-read?page=2

13 Pointer Hands

2010-02-04T12:53:00.007-05:00

What do you do with 13 pointer hands?

You pretend to have Sponge Bob's arm.

Re-enact the "Oooouuuch" scene from E.T.

Scratch.

Play store.

And more, I'm sure.

Sue Plus Flashcards Equals

2010-02-04T09:49:00.004-05:00

White Hawk Ecovillage

2009-08-31T11:22:00.001-04:00

Live here! We'd like some more neighbors, please.

Quitting School

2009-08-02T22:49:00.012-04:00

We're moving soon, and I just found the funniest thing--the speech I wrote after I decided to quit teaching. If memory serves, I was preparing to announce to my students that I was leaving, so I wrote some of my thoughts down ahead of time. I used the quotes included to spur my own thoughts. So here it is--Julie's quittin' speech, circa 2002.

I am beginning to suspect all elaborate and special systems of education. They seem to me to be built upon the supposition that every child is a kind of idiot who must be taught to think. Whereas if the child is left to himself, he will think more and better, if less "showily." Let him come and go freely, let him touch real things and combine his impressions for himself[...]teaching fills the mind with artificial associations that must be got rid of before the child can develop independent ideas out of actual experiences.

-Anne Sullivan, Helen Keller's mentor and friend

You're far more intelligent, each one of you, than you are given credit for. Instead of starting with what we think you should know, why can't we start with what you genuinely want to know? I think that a learner, given time, space, respect and resources, will do a far better job of teaching himself than if he has knowledge imposed upon him with utter disregard for his own interests and abilities. To me, an essential ingredient in a good education is freedom. Students do not have that freedom here, and I can't give it to them. I can't free you from grades, schedules, course requirements and standardized tests. In this environment you are so dependent on what others tell you that you need to know, on others' evaluations of you. How much control do you have over your own life in school? Once school is over, who will tell you what to learn? Who will evaluate you? I think it's best to start living and learning independently now, but that's not possible here.

What we want to see is the child in pursuit of knowledge, not knowledge in pursuit of the child.

-George Bernard Shaw

Let's pretend you have no classes to go to tomorrow, no schedule. Instead, you can design your own curriculum. What areas of study would you leave alone for now? What subjects would you pursue? I've seen students who hate English, year after year, because it is imposed on them in such an awkward way. I'd much rather have a student take a break from literature for a year or two and then come back to it in her own way than have her permanently resistant toward it because of classroom experience.

Just as eating against one's will is injurious to health, so study without a liking for it spoils the memory, and it retains nothing it takes in.

-Leonardo da Vinci

What is the use of your spending thirteen years in a coercive environment with very little control over your own learning if you're going to fail to learn or retain most of what has been imposed upon you? What do you remember learning last year? What do you remember learning five years ago? What you do remember is probably more interesting to you. What if learning were like this all the time?

It is, in fact, nothing short of a miracle that the modern methods of education have not yet entirely strangled the holy curiosity of inquiry; for this delicate little plant, aside from stimulation, stands mainly in need of freedom; without this it goes to wrack and ruin without fail. It is a very grave mistake to think that the enjoyment of seeing and searching can be promoted by means of coercion and a sense of duty. To the contray, I believe that it would be possible to rob even a healthy beast ofo prey of its voraciousness, if it were possible, with the aid of a whip, to force the beast to devour continuously, even when not hungry, especially if the food, handed out under such coercion, were to be selected accordingly.

-Albert Einstein

What are you passionate about? If you could study anything at all, what would it be? Would it even fall under the category of the traditional subjects offered in school? I agree with Einstein that what a student most needs is freedom--freedom to choose what to study and how to study it. If that means enrolling in a class, fine, as long as it is done willingly by the learner. Without this freedom, how do you get the chance to develop a true passion for learning? Look around you, at both students and teachers. What percentage of us are vitally interested in what we're doing? What percentage of us are bored with or run down by what we're doing? Is this what we should be teaching, what you should be learning? Try as I might, I can't make you love English, and I shouldn't. That should be for you to decide.

How could youth better learn than by at once trying the experiment of living?

-Henry D. Thoreau

For a good portion of the time you are consigned to our care, you are imprisoned within these walls, unable to venture outside them and take advantage of the opportunities life offers. What if you could take a field trip anytime you wanted to? Think of the educational opportunities that abound in internships, paid and volunteer work, and travel. Instead of spending much of your precious youth being talked at by an authority figure, why not life life outside these walls? What kind of maturity and responsibility will you ever develop by being mostly passive and obedient all day?

The truth is that our schools don't really teach anything exept how to obey orders. [...] I've taught public shcool for 26 years but I just can't do it anymore. For years I asked the local school board and superintendent to let me teach a curriculum that doesn't hurt kids, but they had other fish to fry. If you hear of a job where I don't have to hurt kids to make a living, let me know.

-John Gatto

I've taught public school for just over three years, and I just can't do it anymore. I can't grade you; I can't force you to do work that isn't vitally important to you; I can't continue to boss you around when I feel that is a fundamentally wrong way to go about educating you. I believe you need freedom and respect, and it is impossible to truly give you that in this setting. As long as I have power over you (and there is no way around that in this environment) and am forced to force you to do things, I can't be happy as a teacher. To grade you is damaging--it gives you an inaccurate view of yourself and makes you dependent on others for approval. To force you to learn when you aren't interested or ready is damaging--it's a waste of your time, and makes you into very passive people. Like John Gatto, I can't do something I feel is hurtful to students.

(The story ends happily. Teacher quits, has two kids, and enjoys life with her family.)

Raffle for Family Adopting Child from Serbia

2008-07-29T11:38:00.003-04:00

A local family is raising funds in order to adopt a daughter from Serbia. If you can spare $5, you can chip in by buying a raffle ticket for a Target gift card. More information here:
http://4stairsteps.blogspot.com/
Look for the "Bring Emerson Home" box on the right.

Here's a little bit about the baby they want to adopt:
"Meet Andjela. She was born August 10, 2007 in Serbia weighing 7 lbs 13 oz and measuring 20" long. She has Down syndrome and she also has a complete AV Canal disorder of the heart. She was given up by her parents at the age of 3 months and has been in an orphanage in Belgrade ever since."
More here: http://4stairsteps.blogspot.com/2008/06/invisible-red-thread.html

Beyond Words

2008-07-27T04:23:00.004-04:00

As usual, lifted from one of my posts elsewhere...

I am learning to live beyond words.

Dmitri would turn down my offers of activities even when it seemed like he needed a change or wanted to do a particular thing. I finally figured out he was turning down my constant questioning. Now I get ready to go and follow my instincts. Sometimes I can ask if he wants to go along. Other times I need to head out the door and see if he follows. In the evenings, I have actually walked out the door (Joe's home), waited two minutes, and there he is wanting to take a walk. No words at all. He *so much* does not want to be confronted with the "decide now--I'm waiting" pressure that he feels when someone asks him a question.

He doesn't want a lot of preparation for what's coming next, either. He lives so much in the NOW. Like right now this second and don't you dare try to tear me out of it. When I leave to go somewhere, he doesn't want any explanations or goodbyes. If he notices I'm not there, he'll ask Joe. I've learned (okay, am still learning) to glide wordlessly out of the house, and that's a strange one for me. Joe (the master of no goodbyes himself) had to and still has to patiently explain this one to me so I remember what works and what doesn't.

Subject Index

2008-07-07T08:28:00.003-04:00

A

Appreciation

Authenticity

Awareness

B

Balance

Being here now

Body awareness

Breastfeeding

C

Change

Communication

Connection

Consensual living

Conversation

D

Danger

Decisions

Definitions

Diet

Disregard

E

Epiphanies

F

Fear

Food

G

Guns

H

Happiness

Honesty

I

Internal guidance

J

Joy

L

Life experience

Limits

Lying

M

Media

Motivation

N

Needs

Nutrition

P

Parenting

Parenting styles

Praise

Pregnancy

R

Respect

Rules

S

Saying no

Self-care

Socialization

T

Tandem nursing

Television

Trust

Truth

U

Unschooling

Unschooling dads

V

Vaccination

Video games

Violence

W

Waste

Conversations About Food

2008-07-07T08:05:00.005-04:00

From Always Unschooled, in response to a post entitled "How Much Conversation is Necessary?":

I love your post title, because Dmitri would probably say, "None."No, he wouldn't even say that. I'd just get A Look. Naw, forget the look. I would probably just cease to exist if I broached the subject. :-) He's probably at the extreme end of the spectrum of preferences about words. Like everything else, this is probably pretty individual.

So I was thinking about it, is the conversation about how the childs body
feeling necessary? Could I just let it alone, and he will work this out? I
didn't say anything because it felt contrived to me at the time. If he brought
it up, I think it would feel more natural.

In our case, we've never discussed how his body feels regarding food. My instinct about this is that it's a "duh" issue for him. He absolutely knows how he feels, so my attempting to articulate something about it would just be kind of obvious--the kind of none-of-your-business obvious that he ignores. (We do spend a lot of time talking about all sorts of obvious--colors of flowers, stars in the sky, etc.)

Sometimes I'm experiencing a point of (always potentially inaccurate) awareness about something, like "he needs some protein to balance out." My general response is to give him whatever he requests and also offer foods frequently, but not verbally. I just put them out and see if they get eaten. They often do, but sometimes my assumption about what he needs is off.

Unschooling perspective on environmental and social concerns

2008-06-08T08:17:00.005-04:00

An interesting post on concerns about the future at Southern Tier Natural Parents got me thinking in a lot of directions. I'm including it here because it struck me that the approach I explained is basically unschooling--no rules, tuning into the moment, trusting oneself, and following the thread of happiness. I've paraphrased quotes from the original poster with my response:

[Comments on reading an eye-opening book and then feeling overwhelmed and tired.]

Been there. But if I look back over the years, this feeling usually precedes some kind of change or shift in my life, possibly profound, the type of shift that tends to stick with me. So it sucks, but it's also kind of a good sign.

[Desire for a unified culture with a solid basis.]

Yup, I think that's what we're going for with the upcoming move [to White Hawk Ecovillage]--living in a place where some basic concepts are shared, where there's a network of community, a shared sense of doingness. In fact, I think that's probably our main reason for moving, not the eco-this-and-that we could do anywhere. But doing any kind of stuff *together* with a sense of shared purpose is energizing. And living together in a community where you must negotiate and communicate with each other out of necessity builds the kind of skills I think we've lost over the years. I want those skills back. I sense that the quality of our future depends of stuff like that.

[Complicated process of being an ethical consumer]

Yes to that. I don't know what anyone else's experience has been, but I've had to let go of the rules and regulations. I lived my pre-Dmitri life in an amazing maze of do's & don'ts about everything related to fair trade, animal treatment, environmental & social consciousness, etc.

Once Dmitri arrived, I simply could not sustain the energy to to keep up with that kind of rigidity *and* have the time, creativity, energy, and spontaneity to be the parent I wanted to be. Somehow, the way I was being became so much more important than what I was doing. And my past being was threaded with tension and judgments--not a model I wanted to promote with Dmitri.

The very interesting thing is, once I did release all (okay, most) of my rules of conduct, I didn't become a very bad person. I'm generally who I was, doing pretty much what I was doing very willingly, only with a few more visible warts that might damage any image I was straining to promote. Ah, screw image. I *like* the frozen drinks they have at Burger King, and I am also aware of labor, waste and corn syrup issues. Let's see what I do tomorrow. Got warts I used to suppress, mainly okay, more relaxed with my kid.

[People who spend their lives working for change--doesn't think she will do that, but feels hopeless.]

Yeah, but what about the value of internal change? I've seen myself being less of a doer in some areas, more in others. But I think the most valuable changes have been just in living our lives the way we do and being happy doing it. That feeling rubs off on other people, and before you know it, you see change all around you.

Seriously! Thirteen years ago, I was eating raw nuts and seeds, walking 45 minutes to work, giving most of my money to charity, writing several letters to politicians/companies every week, striving mightily to wear nothing but organics, and apparently driving my family nuts with my frequently glum demeanor. They still recall that era of my life with surprising bitterness and viciousness. And these are nice people.

I was consumed with this feeling of urgency to do anything I could right away to shrink my impact, right wrongs. And I was not fun. It didn't look pretty, but that was my pursuit of happiness at the moment, just trying to feel better.

I was an avid reader of the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement newsletter. I truly thought the best thing we could do for the universe would be to nobly allow ourselves (obviously defective) to die out. There's only so long you can repress your basic life force, though.

And now look--reproducing all over the place and wreaking havoc. Anyhow, I let the rules go, followed the life force or whatever seemed to make me happy, and I'm still living by the basic tenets I forced on myself in a panic all those years ago. (Okay, I dropped the voluntary human extinction idea, but I'm still interested to see if the planet will decide to eject us en masse.) I guess it took me over a decade to gain a sense of proportion.

Back to the happiness thing and change happening all around you. The change of consciousness I've seen in the last decade is amazing. You guys joke about freaktopia, but I have not felt like a freak in a couple of years now, at least compared to how it was. There are so many people out there happily changing the way they live, reaching for some vision of life that seems better to them. The energy is electric and makes me want to do more, too.

Even little things. When we moved into our neighborhood, we ripped up the grass in the front yard and put in a perennial garden. Since then, three more yards down the street have been ripped up, and now I'm getting ideas about what I want to do next from them. I went back to shampoo for a while, and now I'm back to ACV. My point is, I am no longer perfect fodder for ridicule! I feel normal, even if that perception is distorted and not quite true, because there are so many of you around me.

[Freedom of being an animal with clear purpose and no consciousness to plague you.]

I think we can get in touch with this, to an extent. I wouldn't want to give up my hobby of thinking because it's fun, but it's also an instrument of torture. It's helped me a lot to realize that any thought that pops into my head is a concept or "story" created by my consciousness, and I can choose to attach to that thought or not. It's not necessarily true--there's almost always a degree of truth and illusion to any thought to which I'm attaching.

It's very interesting to see that when I observe the thought and let it pass away (like the weather), it's relatively painless, but it's not without effect. I used to think I needed to *attach* to the thought to do the right thing, like "The world is burning up and we're all gonna diiiiiieeeee!" or "There are children suffering in X country because you bought X!" Now that I've released the urgency but still observe the thought, I can respond or not, feeling much better in the process. And I basically do the same "right" things, just without (most of) the anguish. Got no time for anguish.

[Questions what she was meant to do]

Whatever you feel like doing right now.

[Question about what the goals should be]

Finding a way, any way, to be happy right here in this moment. And sometimes having a clearly defined target and working toward that brings happiness. Sometimes it's completely out of alignment with who you are and only brings discord.

For me, learning how to unapologetically drop the crap (still learning) and not cling to something that doesn't feel life-promoting (no matter how good and right it may look) has helped me align with the activities where I can be most effective. It's also helped me do no activity when that's best for me--to enjoy periods of torpor and realize those are highly necessary for better action in other moments.

[Question about where time/energy is best applied]

You're best at whatever makes you happy. That's your signal. That's the signal we were all born with, but we are all trained out of listening to it as we were schooled in the norms of our culture. Many of us trained to focus on making someone *else* happy, because the degree of freedom we're granted by that someone else directly affects our own level of happiness. So we lose touch, grow up, and feel so confused. Then we have to find our own way back again.

[I misunderstood the next section of the original post and responded in a way that didn't quite make sense. Poster indicated that in a way it would be easier to just go along with the norms of the culture and not have any concerns. I responded about living with your concerns but not letting them consume you.]

It *is* freakin' peachy when you can get to that place for a moment. I am so much more helpful to Dmitri in a crisis moment when I am at peace and not panicked. I learned to apply this to the world, too. I am so much more helpful to the world when I am not coming from a place of panic.

That doesn't mean that there is an absence of concern or awareness, just a much more efficient use of those thoughts of concern and awareness that bubble up in our heads (nearly constantly, probably, for many of us). When I can see those thoughts, release them, and just wait and see what comes next, I *do* still do the right thing in freedom. (Kind of an unschooly thing here.) I don't have to force myself into it. I wait, and there I am doing it. Wow, and that helps me trust Dmitri so much more.

[How humans have even intervened in the natural functions of other species]

Woohoo! Go, us! It's amazing how chillingly *effective* we can be when we put our minds to it, isn't it? But if we can take away, we can also restore. I think we have just as much potential to restore, and what's so exciting to me is to see masses of people around me waking up to that--finding the joy in restoration and preservation, enthusiastically living happy lives in pursuit of that.

[Running off to a community, head in sand. Possibility that we'll end up in small communities anyhow due to crisis.]

Yup, had all these thoughts--obviously, considering my future home. In the end, I just gave up on what my thoughts implied and just followed the thread of happiness.

At the moment, the thread of happiness leads to 120 acres where we can farm together and have an orchard. A place where a bunch of kids (many of whom will be home during the day) can play all day, a neighborhood where neighbors choose to share meals, tools, and fun. It leads to a place where Dmitri will run and run away from us fearlessly and never look back to see if we're there. (If you know Dmitri's personality, this is an amazing thing to behold.) In fact, that's what settled all my fears and concerns--seeing the little guy run like a madman and completely forget our existence.

*And* if the whole thing went up in smoke tomorrow, we could be happy wherever. We could find another place for crazy guy to run.

Perspective from an Unschooling Dad

2008-05-31T11:41:00.007-04:00

There is an interesting discussion going on at Always Unschooled about unschooling dads, lack of involvement, and possible responses. One poster (an unschooling dad) advocated a Mars/Venus perspective on male-female relationships and emphasized males' need for appreciation. Something about it seemed so alien to my experience, but I couldn't really articulate it.

I asked Joe to give me an off-the-cuff response based on his own experiences as an unschooling dad, so here it is:

The basic assumption in this post is that if women want men to help around the house or with the kids, they (the women) better get ready to pay up. Because no man would ever help just to be nice, or just because he feels it is his place to be a useful part of the family. It's a song we've heard for a long time from a lot of men. A song of excuses.

There are really only two reasons why men don't help around the house-- either they don't care if they live in a dump, or they just want their wives to do all the work (just like their mommies probably did when they were growing up).

There is really only one reason why a man wouldn't help out with the kids-- because he doesn't like to spend time with them and thinks of child care as women's work.

Saying "I don't get off the couch because I didn't feel appreciated last time I tried to help" is no different from saying "I don't know how to tell you this, but I will only help if you reward me, because I certainly don't like being here and don't like being a part of this family for its own sake and I don't like doing women's work when I could just sit and watch tv instead. I need rewards, baby, and I need them bad--I'm addicted to rewards--"

Unschooling is a way of thinking whereby we do things that we feel drawn towards-- we do things that we love and that give us joy! We don't sit around waiting for a gold star from the teacher. If you want appreciation, appreciate yourself. If you want to be invoved in your family, get off your butt and do something, and damn the perceived and implied slights and injustices that may or may not come from your partner. Say what you mean and mean what you say, and demand that kind of openness from others. Don't pay attention to "insinuations" or imagined "slights." If you want to be a superman, be a superman for your own reasons. If you need someone appreciating every little thing you do in order to be a superman, well of course you'll never get off the couch.

Superman didn't save the world because in expecation of adoration, he did it because he was superman...because he could do it...because he wanted to do it.

These stereotypes of men and women don't make sense to me. Not all men need to be appreciated and not all women like to talk. Anyway, in my experience, just as many women as men feel unappreciated. Everyone is unappreciated, everyone is tired, everyone wished they had more time or energy or peace of mind...blah blah blah. There is a solution to every problem. Complaining is okay, but eventually, you have to find a way to fix things or change things, and the solution will never involve waiting around for other people to worship you.

Danger!

2008-05-28T09:56:00.005-04:00

This is from a discussion on the Authentic Parent forum about how to communicate about dangerous situations with an adventurous toddler:

You know, I am absolutely at sea as to what is right or wrong, but I'll share what my instinct has been on these issues so far.

My instinct has been to communicate practically zip-zero about how the world is dangerous. I suspect that I may be wrong about that (the world being dangerous--or at least the need to be fearful about it). I'm wary of communicating fear to Dmitri in any way, telling him that something bad will happen, because I don't know that it will happen.

At the same time, I experience periodic fear jolts. Thoughts running through my head:
-Holy crap! A car is coming! Will Dmitri dash into the street and be crushed?
-Don't...get...so....close to the edge! I can just see his body plummeting into the abyss.
-I left that knife just a little too close to the edge of the counter. What if he should grab it and plunge it into his left eye?
-OMG. Hot stove. Hot, hot, HOT stove. Then I imagine all variety of disasters that ensue.

I am soooo very good at terrorizing myself. There is a process I typically go through when one of these fears arises. It's not something I intentionally do, just a description of what happens.
-I recognize what I am experiencing as my fear. If I have a moment, I'll sit with it and question it.
-I tune into what my physical body is telling me to do.
-I do that.

"That" may be holding Dmitri's hand, telling him that I'd like to stay close to me, moving the knife, etc. So far what I haven't done is tell him any "why." Hold my hand because X. I'm picking you up because Y.

I've noticed that he completely tunes out of any why explanation, and I have a feeling he picks up volumes from me nonverbally anyhow. He probbably has a good sense that I'm a fearful creature doing my best. What I've picked up from him is that he is usually absolutely fine and needs very little interference from me.

Coping with Negative Input

2008-05-28T09:02:00.004-04:00

A poster on the Authentic Parent forum expressed concerns about kids' exposure to parenting styles that are harsh or disrespectful. My response:

Kids are so resilient; they really are. I would just follow your deepest instincts and go with your observations about how being in particular environments affects your child.

In my experience, there are no hard and fast rules like "Parent A praises kid excessively, so my kid doesn't do well in Parent A's presence." Parent A may have an unquenchable enthusiasm and sense of fun, too. Parent B who scolds her kid and is often condescending, may enjoy the sort of rougher, more active play that doesn't come as naturally to me but is a delight to Dmitri. Parent C, who has some other particular fault, may be so good at pretending that she gives me a small break from the day-long pretending sessions that are my life. And I'm parent D. Hmm....wonder why people should keep their kids away from me? I'm sure they could name some ways.

In general, Dmitri focuses on what he enjoys and simply ignores what he doesn't. When he is unable to ignore, he sends very clear signals, like completely turning his head away from someone in her attempts to converse with him.

Sometimes our experience of a particular environment will be so thick and dark that it seems obvious to remove ourselves from it, but in general, there is joy to be found just about anywhere. Our kids are marvelous examples of how to tune into that.

Saying No: From Theory to Reality

2008-05-28T06:57:00.006-04:00

In unschooling circles, parents are frequently advised to find their way around the word "no," to find the "yes" in the situation and express that instead. Sound advice, but perhaps not so sound when parents take this concept and make it into a rigid "never say no" rule for themselves. Yup, I've done that.

From recent discussion on saying no at AlwaysUnschooled:

More thoughts no saying "no." It's abundantly clear to me that we shouldn't squash our kids, that our deepest instincts are to open up the world for them as much as we can.

What I also see is that Dmitri uses the word "no" beautifully, without fear, without any linguistic acrobatics meant to avoid something viewed as toxic or poisonous. He's definitely not agonizing about how his "no" might affect other folks--just saying what's true for him, plain and simple.

Dmitri prefers very direct, simple communication. I sense that he doesn't appreciate my attempts to pretty up a statement that could be expressed briefly as "no." This doesn't apply to all situations. When he wants to ride the carousel at 11pm, the answer is "Sure, it's open tomorrow." That feels good, and I can tell it works for us because he listens and absorbs what I have to say.

There are other situations in which I have tried to find a yes and express it, only to be completely tuned out. Too many words! Just say what you mean! That's the vibe I get from him.

So I'm experimenting with more direct language and trying to learn from his example. No thoughts or conclusions about it yet, but I am aware of a definite shift. What I am doing as a parent seems to be much more strongly focused around Dmitri-family-instinct than around philosophical concepts or rules implied by someone else. This is a change from trying to align with a theory to more of a flowing with what's happening now, from outside to inside.

*********************************************************************
[Poster explains why unschoolers try to say "yes" as much as possible, noting principles of compassion and joy.]

Define "try." LOL

That's one of my primary focuses these days. How my "trying" has actually been me pushing myself in an internally punitive, rule-oriented, nonunschooly way. How all that effort or attempts to force self are actually anxiety-producing, tension-promoting.

I'm trying (whoops--haha) to get to a place where I'm internally parenting myself in the way I want to parent Dmitri. I don't want my "yes" to come from fear and anxiety. At this point, I'd rather offer a more authentic-feeling "no."

And the funny thing is, I rarely say "no" and have certainly developed the knack of finding all kinds of yesses. It's just a big step for me to release this internal rule, all internal rules, so I can get to a more authentic place where I'm not editing or passing language through a filter.

I may be wrong, but this is what I see other parents tying themselves up in knots about, too. Okay, I can't do this. I must do that. Now, now, now--fix it or else. Maybe it would be a lot better if we just told everyone to go ahead and mess up, that our instincts will take us where we want to go.

This response in me is coming from my sense of what Dmitri needs most from me now. And that is
A REAL HUMAN BEING.

Not someone who is trying to do it right.
Not someone who is careful with him.
Not someone who is fearful of harming him.
Not someone with even one rule in her book.

Navigating these new waters, letting down defenses, it seems to be more respectful of Dmitri to be real with him than to align perfectly with some shining example of philosophy X. And I love philosophy X, I really do. Philosophy X is so helpful, but I've somehow got to break the mind shackles, to live alongside philosophyX instead of by its rulebook.

Then I'm free. Then I can really be fully present with this amazing guy.

Btw, I'm not actually disagreeing with the notion of "trying" as in being mindful and present, holding an intention. Just pointing out how some of us can take that notion and use it rather harshly on ourselves.

Added comments:
It seems clear to me now that this latest focus of mine has a lot to do with trying to give as much of myself to Dmitri as I can, to fully and deeply connect with him before the birth of his brother or sister, to make our connection as resilient as possible. So maybe that's why it's become so clear to me that I've been holding part of myself away from him and making it subject to processing. Better for him to know the unprocessed mother, I think, because that's who he'll be meeting in the midst of all the activity and distraction of having a new baby in the house.

Parenting Epiphanies

2008-05-26T19:30:00.005-04:00

This second pregnancy has been a time of intense learning for me--more of a falling away of old ideas than an addition of anything new. I've been sharing about this at Always Unschooled:

In reponse to a mother facing parenting challenges during pregnancy:

[Parent notes how she has tried to do everything right and eventually burned out.]

This struck a chord with me because is speaks of pressure on oneself to do it right, to try to be a "good parent." (Raising my hand here.) Since becoming pregnant, I've had to learn to drop expectations, any notion of perfection, and any particular definition of unschooling by which to judge myself.

Because I've been pretty ill a lot of the time and home alone caring for Dmitri during the day, I've had to throw a lot of stuff out the window, and it's actually been really good for us. A layer of tension and anxiety has been peeled away, a layer I didn't even know existed before.

There was tension and anxiety before (and probably still is to some degree). I was busy trying to be the perfect unschooling parent,trying not to mess up lest I damage Dmitri in some way, and ironically, that made me less available to Just Be with him, especially during a challenging moment when I was busy panicking or judging myself for something I must have done wrong.

Now that I'm just a fallible schlub living with another fallible guy, we're both entitled to mistakes and challenging moments, and we're not so worried or distressed about them. We expect that stuff to happen; we accept it as part of the fabric of our lives. That acceptance wasn't fully there before. There was always a sense of "this shouldn't be happening" that always made rough times worse.

[Poster states lack of patience that has come with pregnancy, not wanting to be around child or play with him.]

Yup, I feel like playing less. I want to lie down and read and nap more. I want to escape off by myself more. There have been days when I've looked at what's happening and seen myself playing the "what's the most effective way to peacefully ignore Dmitri" game.

So I do more of what I want and try to tune into when it feels like it's coming at Dmitri's expense. I've learned to trust myself to experience a natural motivation to connect with Dmitri when that's what we need.

Before, I tried to hold myself to some perfect standard of what an active, involved parent would look like. Doesn't work when you're puking. :-) I would just get angry later, and I started directing some of that towards Dmitri. Thanks, puke! You actually made things a lot better.

I also lean on Joe more to carve out more of what I'm craving. I go to bed early more. I go to movies at the discount cinema. Joe takes Dmitri on lots of outings without me so I can snooze or putter about at home. I feel like I'm immersing myself in as much luxury as I can dredge up so I'm nourished for the more intense parenting days ahead. That's okay and will actually help everyone in the long run, I think.

Hope some of this helps. It's absolutely okay to feel the way you're feeling because that discomfort will help point you toward something better than what you're experiencing now.

********************************************************

In a response to a discussion about whether kids are sometimes seeking a limit to push against and bring about an emotional release:

I used to approach unschooling as all up to me, in a way. I had to do everything right so everyone could be happy. I had to quick!quick! find a way to say yes so no one would feel unnecessarily limited.

Now I recognize it is about relationship and honest communication, and modeling trust and confidence (or learning from Dmitri's model) that everything will be fine.

When I first started occasionally using the word "no" to describe my stance in a particular moment, I did sense a great relief in Dmitri, but I don't think it was because he wanted a limit, necessarily. It was because, wonder of wonders, he was dealing with a human being and not an automaton. I think authenticity and a willingness to communicate respectfully is what kids are really after. IMO, that has the solidity and reliability that everyone seeks in a relationship.

Guns & Violence

2008-05-23T14:18:00.005-04:00

From Danielle Conger on Always Unschooled:

I was totally anti-gun, no weapons, etc. when my kiddos were little, and it's been quite a journey for me to come to the point where about 2 weeks ago both Julia and Sam each shot their first rabbit.

I still don't like guns, not one little bit. I don't like the *permanence* of guns--you can't take it back and say you're sorry. But the people in my family like guns, are fascinated by them and are learning to handle them responsibly and carefully, and that's something I support.

When my kids were young, they found ways to make guns, and this was way before my husband had any thought of owning guns himself. My oldest marched around with a broomstick singing, "Women of war, we are women ofwar..." as she created a game that helped her feel powerful and brave. Interestingly enough, she's the one who least cares for guns now, but embracing and supporting her play was an important part of our journey together as parent and child.

"Violence" is an adult lens because we're able to understand and grasp the nuances of what these black/white stories of good/evil mean--we get the very real suffering of very real people (and c'mon, most of us are probably imaging what the *parents* are going through because that resonates with us) that is behind all the violence. But kids aren't reading these things with the same lens. Instead, they're seeing it as an exploration and development of their own set of ethics, their own sense of right and wrong. Heck, religious stories are *filled* with graphic stories of good vs. evil--this is an important part of human ethical development. Personally, I think exploring both sides of the equation is healthier than having one side absolutely forbidden, filled with guilt and shame. Lots of times exploration is purging--the dark side loses its appeal if allowed to play out.

I think often times parents give media too much power. More than that, they ascribe themselves too much power, assuming they have the god-like power to make and mold children into what they want them to be. Children are their own people, their own becoming. Parents are simply blessed to be a part of that journey for a very short time, and we can make of that time what we choose as partners or as controllers. That choice, too, will have consequences, but it won't be the end-all-be-all or any guarantee.

Snippets About Tandem Nursing

2008-05-23T11:09:00.006-04:00

I was just discussing nursing during pregnancy and tandem nursing with my friend Jenna, a currently tandem nursing mother. I'm nursing Dmitri through pregnancy now. I have experienced biological urges contrary to the happy, rosy picture of tandem nursing or nursing during pregnancy typically painted, so that led me to an anthropological exploration. Here's what I found...

From Adventures in Tandem Nursing by Hilary Flower, p. 15:

- 12% of Bangladeshi mothers became pregnant while breastfeeding while breastfeeding; of these, 45% were still breastfeeding during the sixth month of pregnancy and almost 20 percent continued bfing into the ninth month.

- 1990 - rural Guatemala - 50% of mothers overlapped bfing and pregnancy, with 41% breastfeeding into the second trimester and 3% in the third trimester.

- "Tandem nursing statistics are even scarcer. The practice may not be common in any country, but isolated reports from Papua New Guinea, Mali, and Mongolia make it clear that tandem nursing does occur in some developing countries."

It's interesting that the percentage of tandem nursers appears to be significantly higher in Western nursing subcultures. Among 178 LLL women, 61% nursed during pregnancy. 38% of those tandem nursed.

This supports my theory that it's biologically counter-intuitive for many of us to nurse during pregnancy or tandem nurse, but in our isolated nuclear family culture, children may have a deeper emotional need for connection.

What do the Pygmies do?
http://primal-page.com/pygmy.htm
"A Pygmy baby continues to nurse for about five years, Hallet reported. If there’s any milk left after the new baby is finished, the breast may go to the baby before, and then to the child before that one, in turn. The priority is always the newly born child."

Will continue to ponder...

Wisdom from my Friend Jenna

2008-05-23T09:06:00.004-04:00

"Humans are notorious for fucking around with stuff they don't understand, and messing it up."
-Jenna, 5/23/2008

Decisions, Decisions

2008-05-23T08:47:00.006-04:00

This is from a discussion about vaccination at Southern Tier Natural Parents. I was exploring more of what goes on behind our decisions than the vaccine issue specifically:

My experience so far with research and fact-finding is that it is all, in the end, a quest for me to feel better about my instincts. Every time I get in there and examine the research, I have a million questions about the resulting "facts" and conclusions. My definition of truth has gotten very wiggly in recent years--truth is whatever looks pretty solid in someone's perception, and our perceptions are always colliding and changing.

So...I'm making these important decisions pretty much on instinct. Nope, I'm not even deciding. I just notice day after day that we don't go to the doctor and that it seems completely counter-intuitive to stick needles my healthy kid. That probably looks like a dangerous way to live.

So be it. If I'm in a forum that's more unfriendly to our inclinations, I do feel more comfortable having a couple of thought-provoking statistics on hand, but those statistics aren't really my reasons for doing what I do. I notice that I collect statistics in the early phases of my quest to feel comfortable, and then I promptly forget all but the vaguest notions of them.

If I were thrown into completely unfamiliar territory as [mother of baby with Down Syndrome] has been, I think I would take great comfort in diving into piles and piles of information.

Waste Not?

2008-05-23T08:36:00.005-04:00

My response in a thread from AlwaysUnschooled about parents' concerns about kids "wasting" things:

I've had my own thoughts about things getting wasted from time to time, and the thing that strikes me is that Dmitri is completely unconcerned because he is fully confident that there will be enough. There will be enough! Somehow, some way. When I think about it from this perspective, it blows my mind that he's free from this anxiety about running out or doing it wrong, so I'm careful not to start that ball rolling by imposing my own fears.

I still address what I'm feeling by doing what I can to minimize the waste or to make the situation feel okay for me. I feel okay if I use up the rest of Dmitri's paints myself.

Adding to the thoughts I posted:
The pattern that I see emerging here is one of adults being in the habit of thinking they need to impose their fears on young people in order to teach them. I'm aware of a great reluctance on my part to do it. I've certainly had the impulse to school Dmitri in my fears and probably already have to some extent, but it seems very important to place more emphasis on just living my life the way I want to live it and letting that be its own example or nonexample.

Self-Care and Balance

2008-05-23T08:26:00.006-04:00

My response to an inquiry about avoiding martyrdom on AlwaysUnschooled:

I've learned a lot about taking care of myself in the past few months. Since becoming pregnant, it's like my body has raised its hand and said, "Hey, remember me? I need input and care, too. Oh, you really don't get it. Here's a hefty dose of morning sickness. That should put things to rights."

And then I got it. The one distinction I'm aware of is that I try to stay in the moment and avoid long-term no responses. Like while I feel I can't give endless piggyback rides today, maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow.

In this process of having to face some no-responses and delays, I realized I had been trying so hard to make everything perfect forDmitri in a completely unbalanced way, and that wasn't/isn't good for either of us. That underlying anxiety kind of poisons the atmosphere, and I've come to realize that a good honest no or more positive variant feels so much better and authentic than a tense scrambling to somehow make it right now now NOW! I'm exaggerating, but you get the gist.

I first approached unschooling with the attitude of "making it all right," but now it's more about *being* in the right place and having the right balanced attitude. That means living in the moment and no rules--not even a rule about no!

Finding Joy in Our Fears

2008-05-17T01:37:00.004-04:00

A poster on AlwaysUnschooled expressed reservations about games and television that seemed violent to her:

It's about introducing/exposing life affirming things/media/food/music, etc.

My response:

And sometimes our kids find things life affirming that may scare or repel us. Then it's a challenge to open up and explore our own fears.

Dmitri loves the whack a mole game at Chuck E. Cheese. I'm rather disturbed by it to the point of being unable to whack them, but I do pat them on the head and say hello. I don't stop Dmitri from whacking, however.

Poster: It really seems awful for children to find joy in playing games full of violence or watching screen violence.

Me: To you, yes. And that's okay.

It seems awful to me that the Chuck E. Cheese folk have offered a game where a little plastic fist comes out and knocks over ducks going by on a conveyor belt.

Dmitri has always delighted in it, so I stand by and work on my fears. Why did we go to Chuck E. Cheese in the first place? A playdate. And Dmitri loved it wanted to go back. Not life-affirming for me, but life affirming for him. It *is* life-affirming to me to support him in the things that bring him joy.

To add to my original comments, experience has taught me that Dmitri's instincts are usually a better guide than my fears. Whenever possible, I set those fears aside and explore with him instead of imposing my fears on him.

TV Freedom

2008-05-17T01:28:00.004-04:00

Ren Allen makes some good points about TV and media in general on AlwaysUnschooled.

I wouldn't have limited book time, so I won't limit any other form of media. The trust led to children who utilize tv like any other products and tools in our home. Not more important or desirable, not less. If something is limited it becomes more desirable.

I grew up in a tv free home. Whenever I was around tv I would do NOTHING else but watch. It was fascinating stuff! After I moved out on my own, tv was like a drug for me. I never learned to utilize it with balance because it was limited by my parents. It took a few years of adulthood to get past that. My dh was baffled by the whole thing...he'd had no limits placed on tv whatsoever and could take it or leave it.

Everyone reacts to limits and control differently. The bottom line for me is I don't want to impose things on other people, I want to work in partnership with them. If they need more tv than I, no big deal. We're all different that way.

Respect for All

2008-05-16T08:20:00.005-04:00

I've been participating in a very interesting discussion on a local parenting forum about the nature of respect and what it means to be respectful toward adults. Several people made the point that adults have more life experience, and that respecting them is in part an acknowledgment of that experience.

My response:

I agree about the experience [that adults have more life experience], and I think that young people also have the advantage of lack of programming or being induced into belief through force or fear. They're still fresh enough to be in direct contact with the wisdom that many of us have schooled ourselves into ignoring.

IMO, our culture places far too much value on the experiences (and fears) of adults and very little on the innate wisdom and confidence of children. I think if we could see people on a far more equal footing, we could work together more than we work at manipulating, controlling, or training our children to please us.

Food Freedom Cartoon

2008-05-08T12:20:00.004-04:00

Thanks to Arun of www.theparentingpit.com for persmission to reprint this cartoon!

Radical Unschooling Defined

2008-05-07T20:39:00.008-04:00

I love how Meredith of AlwaysUnschooled sums it all up:

Radical unschooling is Not about Raising kids.

It's about living with our children Right Now. Our children are not unfinished products, future activists or stooges to The Man, our kids are Who They Are right now. That's where unschooling happens. If you are thinking in terms of Raising your children you aren't looking at the human beings living in your home, you are looking at future adults - and those are pure imagination on your part.

Is it possible to live with our kids Right Now *and* hold the whole world in our minds at the same time? Yes. Its challenging, but it's possible.

Learning from Video Games

2008-05-06T08:48:00.005-04:00

I enjoyed this post by Dawn Radcliffe of the radicalunschoolingwith LOA list. Thanks for letting me share it, Dawn!

The homeschooling group I have been involved with has a mother in it that really believes in setting limits, and since she considers herself the "leader" decided to try and make a rule about limiting video-gaming at the "Fun Club" meetings (which is basically play time for all the kids, and chat time for the moms). Since this rule affected my children, I expressed my disagreement, and in the end a vote was called and the rule was not instated.

Her question to me:
Here's my question for you: Why does it matter so much to you if we limit the amount of time they spend playing video games? Is this something your kids do not have at home and are looking forward to at my house?

My response:
I know it seems like a small thing, limiting video games, but the premise behind it, the knee-jerk response to make a rule or set a limit rather than really looking at what is going on, is really what I question. My kids can live without video games at the Fun Club, but as I explained to them why the group was considering the rule I had to acknowledge I of course do not agree with it. And it is confusing to them, it simply feels wrong, esp since as a natural-learning parent I flow with these things, use them, we all benefit. Hunter in particular was really perplexed. "We were having fun, a bunch of us were playing, it was cool. Why can't we play?" (Interestingly enough Hunter rarely plays at home anymore, but he really liked playing with his friends.)

We do have a Playstation 1 and 2, and my children have some pretty great games I am sure they will love to share when I host. We do not have a Game Cube yet, so yes Hunter thought that was extra cool, though in all honesty the racing game they were playing seemed to me almost exactly like his PS2 racing game we have.

My story with video games is this: Like you, my thinking was very much in line with limiting them, my thinking being that kids need more interactive things, skill building activities, fresh air, less fluff more substance, etc. I thought it was lazy for parents to allow their children to play and play, and admit I imagined undisciplined and lazy, surly kids. I put off getting our first game system, which was a very old Nintendo system bought at a yardsale for $5 (with games) because Hunter asked me, very passionately, for it. We struck a deal, he paid for half and I paid for half, and I waited and watched to see if my concerns would materialize...

First, he had a hard time getting it to work. Long story short, Hunter became very intrigued with figuring out the hardware of the system.This began a love for audio-visual things he still has (*he* sets up all our VCR's and DVD players, etc.). It is amazing the things he learned as we trouble-shot and played with cables, called the company for help, cleaned it out (he learned fast how important it was to protect the games from dust). And yes, he persevered and *he* got it to work. He was beaming! And he played the games a bit, there was oneDonkey Kong game he really liked, it challenged him, and frustrated him, to the point of tears one night (there was one jump he just kept missing, involving ducking one thing and dodging another, kinda complicated and tough if you ask me). We talked about what the emotion of frustration means, and we talked a lot about what we can do when we are frustrated (all humans have to figure out how to handle being human, and frustration is part of that). We talked about the fact thathe could choose that this game was simply not for him, that the frustration outweighed the pay-off, the fun. It was all about choices.He wiped his tears, he took a deep breath and decided to yet again persevere (I remember him getting up from the kitchen table and kinda grinning at me before he left to try again). And of course he eventually got it! Again, he was beaming and so very proud of himself, happy :). He soon mastered the whole game. Then he became bored. Electric trains, legos, snap circuits and such called his attention. The game simply ran its own natural course, and as he was allowed to play it through he learned so much about the power of really wanting something, about his ability to focus, his amazing ability to succeed, and about self-belief. *And* about frustration, and how to at least begin to understand his own emotions and how to handle them.

So... having been shored up by this experience I decided to get a used Playstation1 for them for Xmas last year. It was not the hugest hit at first, I was disappointed that the "educational" games I found for it did not fare too well. But the Spyro game, about a feisty little purple dragon off to save the wise dragon world, took off in a big way. At first Hunter, having played videos games a bit already, was the best. And Echo was frustrated over it, even self-effacing. I was so very warmed when Hunter wrapped his arm around her shoulders and told her: "You'll get this if you want to, you just have to practice. When I was a kid I got frustrated too but I just had to keep wanting it and playing..." I watched Echo play, I marveled at her increasing skill, and was quite impressed with the premise of Spyro itself. This was not a mindless little game...

I admit I expected her to return to her "sweet" ponies and pretty pink mindset, but she was ready for something else even though neither of us knew it. Something about Spyro sparked Echo, in a way I could never have guessed. She was passionate, she persevered, her focus was incredible. Her almost overly meek manners took a bit of a turn, a good one, as she became more vocal, less ready to self-sacrifice. And she stopped caring so much what others thought. She said to me one day: "Most girls aren't into dragons are they, mom? That's okay, I still like Spyro..." She mastered level after level, and each time she was so giddy it had me laughing. (She got so good she needed new games, so as you know she got a PS2 for her birthday...)

This passion has led to an interest to all things dragon. That led to an interest in medieval times and myths, to an interest in caves (she was excited about the cave trip we had to postpone). We made a huge two-level paper-mache cave for her dragons and painted it. She discovered Chinese dragons and wanted to know why they looked different, and we both learned together (I learned a lot about them I didn't know). We talked about Chinese culture a bit and my trips to Hong Kong and how I was there for Chinese New Year one time and there were dragons everywhere (her eyes got SO big :). We printed dragons off the internet, she taped them to her walls, she drew dragon eggs. She drew more dragons and we hung them from her ceiling! It has inspired interesting conversations over what is real and what is not and the power of imagination. It has led to an intense interest in dragon books and reading, and she has written and illustrated several dragon stories we have turned into books :). She got a dragon glider for Xmas and that led to discussions on aerodynamics as we discuss why wings work. Just last night, as I cut up some old jeans for a jean quilt, she took the large pieces of denim and very intently drew dragon stories on them with Sharpies. Somehow we will figure out howto turn these wonderfully odd shaped pieces of fabric, with their incredibly creative stories, into a blanket. (Since then she has begun embellishing these fabric stories, with buttons and stitches she is figuring out). All this was inspired by a video game. And it was allowed through trust, in her and in the natural flow.

And in myself, ironically enough. I had to trust I could take it day by day and navigate my way, that I could relax, I did not need a rulebook to tell me how to do it. Had I tried to "limit" this natural flowering, this blooming, because it broke too many "rules," we would have missed all this. These wonderful pieces of life would not have been.

This was all such an eye-opener, so freeing for me. I do admit I have had my struggles (still do), and I questioned myself every step of the way (still do). I embraced natural learning principles in theory along time ago, but found that often in day-to-day life it was a struggle, my old programming being what it is. And I was often unclear in the moment how to make it work, how to respond, especially if I was stressed. I certainly did not grow up with any of this, there was no parent modeling how to support a child to be who they came to be, modeling a faith in God and a trust in the intrinsic nature of a child. There was little sense of joy or peace in the process, it was almost always a struggle. Honest relating was given little value. No, I was taught children were to listen, the adults were wise and in charge, and that whatever I thought or felt really was not important, certainly not to be respected even in my own life.

But the adults were simply nutty. And I understand now most were afraid and lost to themselves. Children are not so lost. They really are very wise, they come hard wired to pick up on the fallibility of adults like the Emperor's lack of real clothes. And they can keep that natural wisdom if we allow them to, if we support them in trusting themselves.

And now that I actually have some experience with natural learning in action, in actually feeling more open and in love with my children, trusting more and stressing less, I'm hooked. I am more involved in the moment and actually listening to them and enjoying them. It is so much nicer than always worrying what I "should" be doing. I realize this is where I have been trying to get all along.

If you want to read more by Dawn, join radicalunschoolingwith LOA.

Baby Says, "No Rules!"

2008-05-04T14:12:00.007-04:00

My response to a conversation about food at AlwaysUnschooled:

I have severe morning sickness, and inconvenient as it is, it's teaching me so much about tuning in to the moment and identifying what feels right. No amount of advice or tips from anyone else has helped me. Stopping all the outside static, trusting, and listening to my body has been the most helpful.

I have learned to let go of all the gospel tossed at pregnant women by people who have no means to understand what powerful messages the body sends in a condition of "illness."

The gospel reads:
-Pregnant women should eat vegetables.
-Pregnant women should not lose weight.
-Pregnant women should eat whole grains.
-Pregnant women should have 70 grams of protein every day.
...and on and on and on.

Well, not this body. Not this baby. Not this pregnant woman. Not now. Maybe tomorrow. Today this body and baby will accept strawberries.

I have learned to glide through pregnancy like I do through labor--one moment at a time--no judgments, no expectations, no fear-based dependence on someone else. And it's teaching me that, duh--this is how to live life! This is how I can do it all the time. It's not just about trusting Dmitri. It's about trusting me, about trusting life, about finding that place of confidence and fearlessness.

So relating this back to the broader discussion of food and children, we just don't know if any of our judgments and pronouncements are actually applicable to other people. To me, unschooling is living in the moment and exploring instead of adhering to rules of conduct or trying to teach them to our children. Morning sickness has shown me how absurd rules of conduct can be.

Talking (or not talking) about food

2008-05-04T08:09:00.010-04:00

Surprise, surprise. I'm a lazy blogger! At least for now, I'm going to steal things other email lists have inspired me to post. The always thought-provoking AlwaysUnschooled elicited this response from me.

A poster emphasized the importance of informing children about how their food choices impact not only their bodies, but also other people. She suggested that giving children freedom to choose without informing them of potential impacts on others is naive. I've had a different experience with 3yo Dmitri, outlined below.

******************************************************************************

Do you think the default is kids thinking about themselves, and that they have to be taught to think about the world and others? My experience is that Dmitri is living in a world where all is well, and so far every time I think about sharing one of my own theories, it feels more like forcing his focus on a particular idea or fear (mine) than a genuine connection and exchange of information. So I don't do it, at least not yet. Just hasn't felt right so far.

I make dietary and other choices based on a broader view that includes the environment, other people and animals, social conditions, and physical health. But I am absolutely crystal clear that I may be 100% wrong. I'm also clear that while I may have hit upon the perfect solution for me at this particular time, that solution doesn't have to be anyone else's.

My instinct leads me to create an environment for Dmitri where things I tend to call "healthy" are available. It also leads me to give him foods (and even toys) I privately see as "unhealthy" when that is what he chooses. So far it leads me away from defining foods in these terms to Dmitri (something about that dichotomy, or at least my version of it, seems sketchy) or promoting any extensive conversations about food quality. It's clear that he's not interested, and my deep instinct is not to disturb that.

I think it would be a beautiful thing if Dmitri went through life free of debilitating judgments and debates about what he and other people should or shouldn't eat. How wonderful if he could just, simply and plainly, eat. That's what he does now, led by instinct. I trust that instinct to continue to take him to kind, healthy, and fearless places as he grows.

Beautiful Lies

2008-01-16T11:32:00.002-05:00

I loved this post from Pat Robinson on the Consensual Living list.

**************************************************************

Ds, 6.5, has no concept of a "lie". He will express things 'as he wishes them to be', or the way he understands that *I* wish them to be. I find it an aspect of developing empathy and consideration for my feelings. I don't perceive or experience the expression as a deceit, rather as a desire to *please* me, and to meet his perception of my expectation. In other words, he doesn't want to disappoint me. Since we have no punishments or "getting into trouble", I truly believe he is attempting to respond with awareness of my feelings. There is no"reward" in "lying", in our home, so that seems the only explanation that I can discern. Or, as some mentioned, he'll play with reality as an effort to be clever/funny. He'll say things which are obviously not"usual", or like he thinks "they are supposed to be".

Mostly, the few instances have revolved around something that I wanted him to do, which he doesn't want to do. So, he'll "comfort" me withthe information that xyz was done, without having done it. I just validate that he "doesn't want to do xyz", and we discuss 'how about we do abc, instead?', or some other alternative which meets both of our needs. Generally, I believe that children/people have no need to"lie" unless there is something which they are trying to avoid.Whenever ds has stated something differently than reality, I understand it as "wishful", and we address his desire to mutual satisfaction.

Basically, I believe that "lying" is either an attempt to express 'howI wish it were' (ie. mourning that it happened or wanting it to be different'), or an attempt to avoid "getting into trouble" for telling the facts when the intent (or underlying need) is not considered important.

We haven't experienced any sort of 'need' for our son to lie. He doesn't "get in trouble" for behaviors or actions. We work to understand (and address) the reasons behind his behavior rather than focus on the behavior. So, what is the child trying to accomplish with giving information which isn't what occurred?

My suggestion is that the child needs more unconditional positive regard and facilitation to address her underlying needs. There are self-fulfilling prophesies to labeling children too. Please consider reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" or "How to Talk so Kids will Listen" for more information about how we think about our children and how they perceive their role in relationships.

Our son has never been introduced to the idea of "lying". Perhaps, you all have made it an issue. I would just assume that the information is meant to convey something that they don't have another way of effectively communicating; and try to discover the intent of their words, rather than focus on a "Truth". Their perception may well be that their words are conveying a "truth" that they wish for. The whole concept of wishes, imaginary play and reality are overlapping concepts at this age.

I am amazed that people believe (and project) malicious intent upon others (especially children). Our son has no concept of lying or honesty. We have no concept of "getting in trouble" and he just tells me things because they happen and we work together to resolve them. There is no 'teach him a lesson' or 'impose a consequence' Fear associated with his actions. He seeks me out when things happen and just says "I did it" spontaneously, when I ask 'what happened?' for clarification. But there is no scolding or logical consequence imposed by me. We just work together to find a solution. And then we discuss ways to prevent the problem from recurring, or ways to accomplish his goals without 'things happening'. I find the whole "lying","sneaking", "hiding things" idea to be *created* by the fear of sharing the truth. I don't want our son to feel that the truth is conditional upon not 'getting into trouble' or not 'getting caught', or 'not being found out'. I don't want him to Fear the truth.

Similarly, when our son says things that are inaccurate, we don't*create* the construct of "lying" either. We just say 'I didn't know that', or 'I don't think so', or 'Oh, is that what happened?, I never saw it that way'. He does understand what is real and what is pretend. I don't assign any negative connotation of "lying" to his expressions of 'wishful thinking'. Neither do we dismiss his statements as "That is Not True". He can discern what is and isn't happening from his perspective, as well as I can, without me projecting a negative connotation to his desires for reality to be different. More often, we make up some wishful way for the desires to become silly and extreme together; or we find a way to make the desires a reality in smaller realistic ways. Meeting the underlying need is not conditional upon his 'wishful thinking' being exactly real and true.

I am passionate about *not* making an issue of "lying", because I remember as a child of about 5, being accused of lying when *my* perception and representation of what happened wasn't believed. Although, I had told the truth as I understood it. I was punished for the event, and for "lying". So, I have a lot of baggage around honesty. I am honest to a fault. But, I don't create a paradigm where lying has benefit.

**********************************************************

That was beautiful, and so helpful for me as I envision how interactions with Dmitri may play out in the future. Many thanks for letting me publish your post, Pat!

In Praise of Appreciation

2008-01-05T07:08:00.001-05:00

I stole my own post from the wonderful Always Unschooled list because writing it helped me understand more about the idea of praise vs. appreciation. A poster expressed some doubt about people moving through their lives without praise, so here are my thoughts:

This reminds me of an AP meeting I attended on the topic of praise. Many of the parents were intrigued by the concept of moving beyond praise, but at the same time they seemed to fear that life might be pretty colorless and bleak without it, that they had to somehow curb their positive expression, which was something they enjoyed.

I find that the RU life is filled with opportunities for expressing appreciation that don't hinge on my evaluating the value of a behavior or a person. It's more like a spontaneous expression of connection and love.

Yesterday Dmitri unloaded the washer, filled the dryer, and reloaded the washer. I said, "Thank you, thank you, bug! You're helping mama!" I think he understands this as my saying, "I'm thrilled to be with you, and I think you're pretty neat," not "You're sufficiently good to please me, and it is my fervrent hope that you will continue to be good."

It's fun to see this reflected back to me. When I kissed him the other day, he said, "Oh, thank you, thank you, Mama!" I don't know why, but our thank yous have been coming in twos lately.

In cases where I've witnessed what appears to me to be over-the-top praise from parents, à la "Very GOOD! You did blah, blah, blah.You're such a good GIRL!", the praise seems to me to have two components that eclipse the appreciation part.

The first one is fear, as in a fear that the child wouldn't be capable of doing what is expected, and perhaps won't be capable or sufficiently motivated in the future, thus the praise. It's kind of a tense feeling that life won't take care of us, that we must MAKE things happen. I experience that tense feeling about life myself sometimes, and I recognize it when I hear praise like this.

The other thing I'm often hearing when parents praise their kids is relief. They seem to be so relieved that their child is performing as expected. I guess what underlies that relief is a lack of trust that the child will develop in just the right way at the right time, so that connects back to the fear. That tends to get in the way of appreciation.

Sometimes my words of enthusiasm may sound like close cousins to others' words of praise, but I think the intent is quite different. Some things I notice that we never express:
-An evaluation of the person as good/bad.
-Any prolonged or insincere-sounding replay of what happened.
Dmitri knows what he did, so expressions of appreciation are usually pretty quick points of connection, unless D is particularly tickled himself by something he did and wants to discuss it over and over again.

That would sound like this.

D: I'm washing the clothes!
Me: Yup. You pulled them out.
D: And then I closed the door BOOM!
Me: And you pressed the button!
D: They were all WET!
Me: And now they're gonna be toasty warm and dry.
D: I poured the soap. And then the water come down!!! (Sigh of bliss.)
Me: Shoom! I see your unders in there.

No praise, but lots of warm feeling and connection.

The Concept

2007-12-31T07:35:00.005-05:00

Mitri & Sue

In order to live an unschooled life with children (or just a free and happy life without), you gotta unschool yourself.

How does that happen? Gradually over time, or sometimes in big or small bursts, or for a few lucky people virtually overnight, we remove the mind-forged manacles that hold us in a place of "shouldn't," "can't," and "mustn't." Like spring cleaning for the consciousness, we uncover, question, then flush away limiting beliefs that prevent us from truly seeing and experiencing our lives in each moment.

The schooled mind is arthritic, movement painfully limited by rules and assumptions that have clogged the conduits to imagination and instinct. The unschooled mind is agile, flexible, and completely in touch with moment-to-moment inspiration.

I have my arthritic moments and my flexible moments, and this blog will chronicle the nature of each. To increase flexibility, I highly recommend sharing your life with a child. A child presents a challenge and an opportunity.

The challenge is not to bring them up in the religion of can't-shouldn't-mustn't, not to impose a whole matrix (a net?) of assumptions and rules before they've barely drawn their first breath, to trust them to have good instincts about how their lives should unfold.

The opportunity is to learn from this marvelous example of freshness how to bypass stale assumptions and listen to oneself, how to trust that the universe is in general a friendly place. We can experience the exhilaration of becoming our child's partner, not his jailer. We can chip away at the fear that holds us in tense rigidity.

How to achieve this? Two words--love and awareness. No, one word--awareness. When you are truly aware, you will experience love. Love is what the clear light of day looks and feels like. Appreciation (and no, I'm not talking about smug satisfaction) is a reflection of your clarity about something. And that means you've just opened up one of those clogged conduits!

By love I don't mean all gooey hearts and precious turns of phrase. I mean the wondrous free flow of energy that comes from tapping into what is right for you, whether that looks like watching The Family Guy or simply treating another person with respect.

So how to do awareness? How to get your unschooled mind for four easy payments of $19.95? I don't know in the categorical, rule-oriented, lockstep way. It looks different for everyone. I have some ideas, though, and I'll share snippets about them here. I invite you to comment and share your own.